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What happens when you go no contact with a narcissist? Toxic women to avoid for your sanity!

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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

In today’s video we’re going to talk about no contact, specifically in the context with a woman who’s toxic. More specifically, a woman who’s a narcissist. So if you want your ex back, of course, you’re very anxious. You think you’ve done a lot of things wrong and often you did a lot of things wrong. Everybody plays a part in the fuckups in the relationship. However, with a narcissist, these things are a little bit different and sometimes you shouldn’t get back with an ex. And the narcissist is exactly that. So if you don’t know, roughly, what is a narcissist? It is basically a person who won’t accept their flaws, their mistakes. They can’t reflect on all the things that they do wrong because they are afraid to acknowledge that there’s something wrong with them, that they’re not perfect. This is typical narcissism territory, and so there are all types of narcissists that exist out there in the world.

And it’s really difficult to have a breakup with a narcissist because often you get these signs that you think your ex wants you back, you hear from her, she reaches out to you, you get some reaction from her, and you might think that’s a great thing! But with a narcissist… Not really. They’re just using you. They really just need someone to blame. They need someone to attack. They need someone to put down. This is the kind of woman that you don’t want to be with. This is a super toxic woman that you should avoid. I have a situation from a guy, he has been in a relationship with a narcissist and if we go through his message, we’re gonna see what kind of narcissist she is. So based on what I can tell from his story, he has been dating a malignant narcissist.

There are different types of narcissists and if you want to know more about this, then you can check the card somewhere up here. I had a live stream about this last year, or was it this year? During narcissism awareness day, where I have a one-and-a-half-long live stream where I talk a lot about narcissism. So let’s dive into it and like I said, after we’re done with the video, if you want to know more about narcissism in general, check out the card.

Hi coach, I don’t really know what I want. I guess I am just going to vent for a while about my ex-girlfriend who has been talking to some of our friends who have become very critical of me and everything has become so difficult in the last weeks. The worst part of the entire situation is that I still love her and I feel extremely guilty about our breakup.

So I can already see a lot of red flags here. You can’t say that everything automatically is narcissism and it’s a red flag if you just see one negative thing. We all have these moments where we blame our partner. Where we talk something bad to our friends because we feel neglected or unfairly treated. And so we tell our friends how we’re being treated. So that by default doesn’t just mean that it’s narcissism. But the more patterns that you can see, the more clearly it becomes the woman that you’ve been dating is a narcissist. That she just wants to hurt you, basically. So here, she has been talking to your friends. She’s been talking smack. Basically, critical.

Now your friends are talking to you. Plus, you say that you feel extremely guilty after the breakup. Of course, that can happen as well, but now we have two red flags already. She’s talking smack about you and you feel incredibly guilty after the breakup. So that means that you probably have a lot of signs that tell you there’s something wrong with you. You’ve done so many things wrong and I’m sure you did things wrong. But if your ex consciously tries to point out to you that you’ve done a lot of things wrong and how you’re so messed up… That is a red flag! So let’s continue.

My ex is very angry at me and she has gone out of her way to show me and the others that she’s so much better off without me. She and I broke up about three months ago with a really bad fight. Our breakup was so fucking bad. I never expected things could get so bad. It basically ended with a lot of screaming and her being mad at me because I missed dinner with her due to work.

So I mean, I literally couldn’t even read this with a straight face. I know for you it’s really painful but for me, I can just see these patterns all the time and so there are a few things that I can see here. She’s very angry and she points out on social media, apparently, or with your friends, that she’s doing so much better without you. That is really awful because that basically signals to your friends “look at what a fucking piece of shit you were.“… So you must feel really terrible, understandably. A woman with integrity would just keep that quiet. She wouldn’t blast that out on social media. I never post on my social media about any woman that I date. I only posted once on my social media with a really narcissistic woman and that was a one-time thing, where I basically acknowledged all my pain that I had gone through in the last few years and that’s it.

But in general, if I have a breakup with woman, I will never talk about her, ever. Even if we had fights. Even things didn’t go right. Even if we had our disagreements. I would never talk shit about an ex that I care about and you should do the same. And you should also be with a woman who wants to do the same. It’s all about doing the right thing. Being a good person. And even though we’re flawed and we don’t know how to treat each other properly, we should still treat each other with respect, love and dignity. And she can’t do that and then apparently she has been screaming because of a missed dinner. That’s not like the end of the world!

Of course, maybe if she feels neglected that might be something that really pisses her off, but she could tell you that in a normal manner without screaming. It’s all about self-control. Narcissists don’t have self-control. They often just explode because they can’t control their own emotions. And so when they can’t control another person, they basically go batshit crazy.

This is something that had been building up for a while. She was very angry because she said I had been neglecting her a lot and that she also accused me of cheating, which wasn’t true at all. I swear to God, I have never cheated on her and I have never even thought of it. I’m a loyal guy and I never talk to any other women or anything like that. I have clear boundaries to never do anything like that. Besides, I really didn’t think our relationship was in such a bad state. We were anything but perfect but I think there are couples with much worse relationships. That’s at least what I thought but she clearly disagreed.

So yet another red flag. She’s accusing you of cheating. So either she’s extremely insecure, and narcissists are extremely insecure. They seem very secure on the surface but they’re really just hiding that and eventually, they can’t hide it. And that’s when they lash out. And so now the lashing out here was you supposedly have been cheating… And you say it yourself: You are a loyal guy. You have boundaries and you apparently never even talked to any girls, or you never even gave them any attention, even though your relationship was not on the best terms. So that tells me that you treat a relationship as a sacred commitment. It’s important to you. And you’re not gonna break a woman’s trust. But she can’t trust you. She’s going crazy! You’re a cheater! Even though you didn’t cheat. Another red flag!

After the breakup, I became insanely insecure. I didn’t see this coming at all but she dumped me like I’m the worst guy she had ever met. This made me hate myself so much. I started looking back at our relationship and there have been so many great times in the last two years. Knowing how she feels about me is so painful because I feel that I am just not good enough as a man.

Yet another narcissism red flag. She dumps you basically out of the blue. You didn’t expect it. You say yourself: Things weren’t perfect but they were also not that bad, and then all of a sudden she comes out of the blue “You’re a cheater!” and then she dumps you because you missed a dinner and now you say it: “You feel like shit!” You hate yourself. In fact, that’s what you said and you just can’t understand what’s going on. It’s so painful. This is called the discard. Just overnight, the narcissist basically is done with you. For whatever reason. Maybe they found someone else. Maybe you’ve hurt their ego. But basically, she’s done and she’s like “fuck this relationship! Two years? Doesn’t matter to me! I’m done with this!” … and then let’s see what he says.

And this gets worse. I tried to convince her to get back together and I suggested to her that we talk about my work schedule problems with a relationship counselor, but she did not want to. I tried begging for almost two weeks but she ignored me until I stopped messaging her.

So you can see a difference between him and her. A narcissist, they will basically never want to get counseling. They think counseling or looking at your feelings, reflecting what you did wrong, reflecting how you can improve…. This is stupid shit because a narcissist is perfect! She is perfect! She did all the things right. She didn’t mistreat you in any ways. Getting angry is nothing wrong. You did everything wrong. You’re apparently a cheater. You’re a piece of shit and you want to go to a relationship counselor. She doesn’t want to. That’s the difference between a normal healthy person and a super toxic woman, or man.

A normal healthy person will say “Look, we fucked up. Okay, what we did was not right. We did this and this wrong but I don’t know how to fix it. Let’s go to a relationship counselor. Let’s get some help. Let’s talk about it“… and then, if you talk about it, you can fix it. That’s how healthy people do it. Nobody’s perfect. We all have fights. We all have arguments. We all misunderstand each other. But then we see okay, there’s something wrong here… Let’s fix it. I love you. I wanna be with you. I’m gonna fix this. We’re gonna fix this together. We’re gonna figure out how we can communicate better. How can we get our schedule aligned? How can we make sure that our goals are aligned? Our values? All of these things. And if you need help from a professional, then you’re gonna do that. That’s what a healthy person does.

But she is like “Nah! I’m not gonna do this” because she probably doesn’t want to. Because if she has to, then she would have to sit there and basically be called out for being toxic and she probably doesn’t want to take that risk. All she wants to do is have a scapegoat: You. That’s just how it is. And the more she criticizes you, the more she makes you feel bad about yourself. You say it yourself: You became very anxious. You basically started begging. You wanted to have her back. It was very painful. The more that she does that, the more she has you under control. That’s what she wants and this is where it gets wrong because right now, he’s still under the assumption that he made a lot of mistakes. There’s something wrong with him and all the fault is on his side.

And now he’s about to say that he’s going no contact and he wants his ex back. And this is a big flaw that a lot of guys make who don’t realize that they’re in a relationship with a really toxic woman. And there’s an important distinction to make here. We can all be toxic. I used to be toxic. A lot of my friends used to be toxic. But we can also grow. Narcissists cannot grow. And so if you try to go no contact because you think you’re gonna fix your relationship but that woman is a narcissist, she can’t improve herself. It serves no purpose because if you get back with her, you’re just going to get the same shit over and over. You’re going to get the same abuse, the same mistreatment in the future. She’s going to call you a cheater again and that leads nowhere. It’s a vicious cycle that will only break once you decide you’ve had enough of this crap. So let’s see what he says.

I decided to go no contact in the hopes that things would get better over time, but two weeks ago, something really crazy happened. My ex and I are still friends on Facebook and she commented on a post of a friend of mine and we ended up both commenting on a comment thread. She reacted to my comments but I didn’t really try to engage or see it as anything like a sign to message her or anything like that. I wanted to keep up no contact to make sure she messages me if she wants to give us another chance.

Yep, that is exactly how you would go about this with a healthy woman. If you just had normal disagreements, maybe you’re both not perfect but you can fix it, then you go no contact… She’s gonna miss you eventually and even if you get something like this where she tries to get your attention, you would still not reach out to her because you want to make sure that she messages you. But what now is going to happen is there’s going to be something really toxic that happens next. My assumption is why that is happening is because she didn’t get a reaction from you. She tried to basically interact with you on social media but nothing happened. You didn’t reach out to her and so that’s why I said earlier at the beginning that she is a malignant narcissist.

As I said you can check the card to see the stream where I talk more in detail about these things, but roughly speaking, a malignant narcissist basically tries to destroy you and they’re doing this very publicly. So if they see something that they don’t like, they’re gonna try to destroy you. They’re gonna try to do something to make you feel bad. I had a boss once who was just the worst human being I’ve ever met. His entire company profile is just narcissism on glassdoor. And basically, I quit, and then right after that, like a few weeks later, he basically tried to sue me for something that I didn’t even do. That’s what a malignant narcissist does. They feel like it’s your fault. You did something wrong. You’re trying to embarrass me. Something like that. And so she’s feeling like “I didn’t get any reaction out of this. You’re disrespecting me. You don’t care about me. Why are you not reacting to this?! I am precious! You should treat me like a queen and if you don’t pay any attention to me, I’m gonna make you feel like shit!” That’s what a narcissist will do. A malignant narcissist. So let’s see what she does. Spoiler alert: It’s fucked up.

A day later, I got a message from a friend of ours asking me if it was true that I had cheated on her. I was really shocked when he asked me. I nearly got a heart attack at work when I read his message. He sent me a post on Facebook from my ex about me that was a long rant about what kind of guy to never date. She did not state 100% clearly that I cheated, but it was obvious that the post was about me, even though it was written somewhat ambiguously. But obviously, we just recently broke up and she talked about loyalty in the post. It could basically only be about me.

So yeah, that’s super toxic. Look, some people… You know, sometimes they make some vague posts. And you see this with girls very often that they make posts about something like not being treated well and you know immediately that they had a breakup. But if she makes a really long post about “you cheated and never date someone like you“, and really trash-talking you, basically, and everyone on your Facebook timeline can basically see what a piece of shit you are. You must feel terrible! And that’s a pretty wild accusation! She’s basically ambiguously suggesting that you are a cheater out in the open for everybody to see. That is a pretty big deal and she doesn’t even know that you cheated. There was no proof!

And like you said, you didn’t even do that! It’s crazy to do something like this. She just wants to hurt you now because she probably didn’t expect that you’re gonna move on, that you’re gonna do no contact, that she’s not gonna hear from you. And all of a sudden, she’s really pissed because her ego is hurt. This is called a narcissistic wound and she can’t deal with it. So now she’s trying to get your attention in some ways because even though this is really terrible what she said, if you’re gonna reach out to her, she’s getting what she wants. She’s gonna get a reaction from you. And then she can abuse you more. That’s what she wants. So let’s continue.

Now I’m in the crossfire with my friends and I’m feeling really anxious because I don’t want them to see what she wrote and think bad about me. I really don’t know what I should do with my ex.

Well, okay, first of all, what if your friends see this? They should judge who is the right person of character. A normal person, a healthy person would not post something like this on social media. So if your friends are mostly healthy, they’re going to look at these posts, or at that post, and they’re going to be like “You know what? There’s always two sides to a story and I don’t know how much I can trust this,” and if they are true friends, then they’re going to be on your side, or at the very least they’re not going to be on their own side because they know that they don’t know all the facts and love is complicated and they just can’t trust what she’s saying.

And statistically, there are actually not that many narcissists or people with a lot of narcissistic traits in the world. So that means most of your friends must be relatively normal. Maybe they also have some toxic traits here and there but like I said, normal people can reflect and improve themselves and see when they’ve done something wrong. So they probably all see that post and they take it with a grain of salt. So don’t worry so much about that. It’s gonna pass, trust me.

I feel as if it’s all fucked and she’s very resentful with me. So getting back with her is not on the table. I thought of explaining myself to her and sending her a message to reassure her that I did not cheat on her but then I’d be breaking no contact. I don’t know how to feel about this. All I know is that I’m back to feeling extremely stressed and anxious again. In the last weeks, I have finally started to think less about her and the breakup and I started to find some peace with me-time but now I’m relapsing back into overthinking mode. Please, any advice will be appreciated more than you could imagine.

So this is the danger of dating a woman like this. This is the danger of dating a narcissist because you can tell he still wants her back and why does he want her back? He wants her back because of something that’s called the trauma bond. The trauma bond is basically this strange phenomenon that we bond to people who traumatize us and narcissists traumatize us all the time and because of that, we then appreciate the good times with them much more. It’s a really strange phenomenon. It makes no sense logically, if you think about it rationally. It’s like why would you get so attached to a person who hurts you so much? But that is called a trauma bond.

Human psychology is weird, and so because of this, now he wants her back. He can’t see the red flags. He can’t see that all of this is just super messed up and he shouldn’t look back, never even consider dating her again. This woman is super toxic. He wants her back, it’s why he’s super anxious and he said it very well himself: In the last weeks he finally started to feel less anxious. He felt better with no contact. That’s really what no contact should be about. It’s not about getting an ex back. It’s about feeling better and then if you get your ex back or not, it’s all good because you’re happy again. You’re confident again. You unleash the king within. You focus on yourself and because you focus on yourself, you become so happy that either your ex can see it and she wants to get back with you, or another even better woman wants to be with you.

But if you do no contact with a narcissist, they don’t like your healing. If you heal, if they can tell that you’re moving on or not getting so attached anymore, you’re not anxious anymore, you’re not overthinking all the time… That scares them! So they have to do something to make sure that you don’t move on because if they don’t do something and if they don’t reach out to you because their ego is just way too messed up, then they’re gonna lose you. They don’t want to admit that they did something wrong. So they’re not gonna message you in a way to say “Hey, I did something wrong” or apologizing, or trying to suggest a date, or showing you that they care… They’re not gonna do this. They can’t overcome their weak ego. So what you need to do…

My advice for you: I’m sorry to say this so bluntly. You need to move on. Not every ex is good for you. Not every ex is able and willing to change herself. You both have your flaws and you should both fix both of your flaws so that you can come back stronger. And this relationship will probably never work out because I think there are so many red flags. I think she’s a malignant narcissist. It could also be a covert narcissist but the bottom line is, she’s a narcissist. She has a lot of narcissistic traits. She’s always going to try to hurt you in some ways. She’s always going to go batshit crazy, find something to criticize you, or say that you’re a cheater and then lash out, get angry… You said she was screaming. There’s no self-control, basically. You deserve a queen. You deserve a woman who makes you happy and you deserve a woman that when you have some problems in your relationship, even some bigger ones…

Right, look, fights happen. It’s normal. We are all human beings, but at the end of the day, we get back to sanity. We get back to communicating clearly, calmly, and say “look what I said or the way that I am, raised my voice, that was not okay. I’m really sorry. Let’s sit down. Let’s talk about this calmly. I’m first gonna take a breather. I’m gonna go for a walk for 10 minutes. I’m going to think about everything and then when I’m calmed down, let’s talk about this again.

This is what healthy people do. We’re all not perfect. We’re gonna try to do our best and we know that when we screwed up, we acknowledge it. But then we do better. But a woman like this will never do better. You’re always just going to suffer. You’re always going to be in pain and you’re going to want this woman back forever. I can guarantee you, you’re going to do no contact forever. It’s going to go in circles. Maybe she’s going to abuse you, sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse, and you think that it’s maybe getting better. Maybe she’s starting to forgive you, but trust me, this will never improve.

So I think you should move on. I’m sorry that you probably didn’t want to hear this but it’s the best thing for you. It’s all about unleashing the king within. If a woman can’t make you happy, if a woman can’t learn, if a woman can’t be at her best, then she doesn’t deserve you. You deserve a queen because you’re a king. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.

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