Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What to do when your ex needs space after you’ve already given it to her? What if you already followed the no-contact rule and your ex reached out to you but then she pulled back again? How do you respond to your ex’s hot and cold behavior? It’s tricky! After a breakup, often you played a big part in it, so naturally, you need to give her the time she needs. However, you also need to balance her needs with your needs so you don’t take the short end of the stick and get hurt by your ex being confused.
Understanding Your Ex-Girlfriend: The Importance Of Giving Your Ex Space After A Breakup
I have a message from a guy in a situation like this. His ex says she needs space. Ultimately, when an ex says she needs space after the breakup already happened, she’s trying to answer the question “Do I want to get back with him?” The correct application of the contact rule is crucial…
- to give your ex the space and time to miss you — she needs space to think if she really wants to be without you. Deep down your ex knows she made a mistake
- to make her think about you when she feels lonely without you
- to help her reevaluate the relationship & set a self-perceived deadline that you’ll move on soon
- to motivate your ex to reach out & rekindle the relationship with you
And usually, somewhere in between, another man is in the picture. A rebound guy. She’s rebounding with another man, or dating around casually, trying to figure out where to place her trust. She’ll ask herself…
- Who has the stronger masculine core? You or another man?
- Should she get back with you? Or start something new even if it’s not easy?
- Will you repeat the same mistakes twice? Or will it be better with her new guy/s?
- Should she even date anyone or should she stay single?
Like a rebound in basketball, your ex may be confused about what she wants, and bounce back and forth. And scoring a point is up to you! When she reaches out but still says she needs space, she’s tip-toeing to see how she feels about you and is trying to figure out if she can trust you — because once a woman trusts, she will discover her lust. She’s not ready for it, but her emotions got the best of her, and she’s going to make up her mind about you based on your actions. Alright, let’s get into his breakup problem. So your ex needs space and your story goes like this:
Understanding Your Ex’s Mixed Signals: What Your Ex Means When She Says She Needs Space
Hello coach, I need your advice. I am really anxious because my ex-girlfriend is giving me mixed signals after reaching out to me. It’s been five months ago since we broke up. I begged and pleaded like crazy but she was just unreachable and unresponsive. She eventually told me that we should probably stop being friends for a while. I understand why she said that. For sure I didn’t leave the best impression when we broke up.
Yes, when you beg and plead after a breakup, you’re intensifying your ex-girlfriend’s feelings of being extremely unhappy with you. Begging intensifies her desire to leave you behind 2x! As desperately as you beg her to stay, as desperately she will want to get away from you. She’s on a journey to find happiness again. But if you don’t beg, over time, she will realize “I actually was quite happy with him. There were some issues but we can work them out. Maybe they don’t even matter any longer” That’s why the no contact rule is so important because after a while, she will realize all the relationship problems were not that bad. There were a lot of positive sides to the relationship and to you, but by not giving her space, by begging and pleading, you just keep on reminding her over and over about the bad stuff. Begging, pleading, chasing, stalking — all of these show your ex girlfriend that you’re desperate. Never beg and plead after a breakup!
I basically handed over all control and power to her with my weak and needy behavior when I was begging and pleading. She told me that she doesn’t know if we will ever get back together and that she thinks at least not right now. She said there’s maybe a chance that we will get back together in the future but if we get back together, she said that she would need to reflect on our relationship first and that she needed some space from me.
Let me translate this for you: Back then, she said that there was definitely no chance that you are going to get back together. Your ex thought we are never ever ever getting back together. That’s what she thought, but she left you with a spark of hope. She didn’t want to be direct because she wasn’t sure yet. Completely withdraw forever? Or leave the door open if she changes her mind? Women hate taking risks, so an ex girlfriend will keep her doors open by being ambiguous. She’s thinking…
- I don’t want to lose you but right now I can’t be with you
- We have a lot of great history. I still love you, but I need some space right now
- I love you and I wish we could make it work, but right now you’re a mess.
She still has a strong attachment to you. She still has feelings for you. She doesn’t want to lose that. So this is the safest way for her to come back in the future.
That’s why your ex is hot and cold and sends you mixed signals. Leaving you wasn’t easy. She kept one foot in the door, so deep down she still had feelings for you but your ex had to reject you and say “Not right now. Maybe in the future.” She was too afraid that if she’d been more direct, she would lose you forever. She needs her space and time but she doesn’t want to lose you.
In a way, you are her Plan B if her judgment call was wrong. It’s very natural because she’s not ready to let go yet. She hasn’t figured out if you’re really that bad and if she should let you go forever. Your ex still sees a possibility to get back with you. You shouldn’t get your hopes up because of this though. There could easily be the chance that she decides “No I don’t want to date you anymore” because she finds someone new or because you screwed up more and more over time. Never create false expectations and always use no contact to work on yourself. In a nutshell, she’s trying to not hurt your feelings. At that moment, there was no chance to get back with her, but there might be one in the future — however, she needs more time to think.
No Contact Period Spent Wisely: The Importance of Self-Improvement During No Contact
I eventually accepted with lots of tears and sulking that nothing I would say to her would change her mind and I gave the space that she wanted. I decided that I will use her wish for space to start no contact and focus on myself. For the last months, I’ve been working really hard to get back on track with my life and have been working out like crazy in the morning. I actually have gotten so much healthier and look really attractive now.
That’s awesome! It is a crucial life skill to learn to pick yourself up when you’re at your lowest. The truth is we never know when life screws us over and most guys will go through at least one tough breakup. you could be at your best at one moment, and the next thing you know, you are down on the floor. That happened to me about 1 1/2 years ago. I was doing perfectly and then so much shit hit the fan. It’s a life skill to pick yourself back up. A man picks himself back up no matter how much he’s suffered — that’s attractive to women. Now you are looking attractive again. If things don’t work out with her, you have the best chances for a satisfying love life. You set yourself up for success to meet an amazing new woman in the future. And your ex also thinks “Look at him! He is looking so great!” And previously, you didn’t look as healthy and attractive. Leveling yourself always increases your chances to get back with your ex. Good job!
I’m a lot more muscular now than before our breakup. I should be feeling really good about myself and at times I really do, but there is always the ebb and flow of going from hyperproductive and feeling happy, to feeling completely like shit and not knowing how to go on with life without her. Despite all my progress, I still miss her like crazy. Sometimes I get unexpected bursts of having to think about her because random things remind me of her.
She must be thinking “What is going on?? He looks hot all of a sudden! He’s been glowing up after the breakup!” Despite your progress, it is normal & okay to feel terrible at times. Just because you feel good in one area of your life doesn’t mean that you can’t feel like shit because of your ex. It’s normal that some things will remind you of your ex. It’s been only five months since the breakup. It’s very natural that she still comes up in your memories. Every now and then, you’re going to think about her, but it gets easier over time. Eventually, there will be a time when you will only think about her randomly because you’re preoccupied with the new good things going on in your life. That time, when you are reclaiming your happiness is when you have the highest chance of getting your ex back. Ex girlfriends usually come back when you become “relatively indifferent” to them.
When your ex realizes that she’s slowly losing you, that’s when she wants you back because she lost her “negotiation power.” That happens when she starts thinking “He’s very attractive now. He must be dating other women right now.” So don’t sweat it. It’s normal to have your ups and downs during no contact. Five months after the breakup is not a long time. For many men, it takes a year or longer to heal. Take the time you need and keep living your best life in the meantime. Go at your own pace.
Our breakup has been five months ago now, and for the last two months I’ve actually been doing relatively well, even though at times I am barely hanging on and just recently felt like shit, I keep on working on my passions, which is working out and growing an online community platform. I’ve made a lot of progress lately and for the first time in a long while I am no longer stuck in this dark cloud where I get nothing done. But a few days ago, my ex messaged me and I got very confused by her mixed messages.
If your ex sends you mixed messages, that doesn’t mean that you can’t stay on track. Of course, you’re very confused because of what is going on. Even if things are very confusing and might not go your way right now because you are confused about your ex, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t keep going. You are overwhelmed by your ex girlfriend’s hot and cold behavior but these setbacks are temporary. Your passions sound awesome. You’re working out in the morning. That’s awesome! You’re growing a community platform, cool!
I organized a local community in the past. Not really a platform. But building a community brings you meaning meaning and purpose. You can be proud of the things you’re getting done while you’re still processing your feelings about your ex. Stay strong no matter what happens with your ex. Keep at it because she will love this part about you. And other women will also love this about you.
The Power Of Personal Growth During No Contact: When You Become Impossible For Your Ex To Ignore
My ex messaged me and said “Hey I saw you coming out of the gym yesterday. You’re looking good. How have you been?”
She’s coming up with a bullshit reason. Maybe she saw you at the gym or maybe not. But the truth is that she just needs a reason to message you. An ex-girlfriend always needs a reason to get in touch with you. She is curious about you. You’re looking hot.
After that, we talked for about 30 minutes playing catch up. I thought our conversation was going very well, so I wanted to show her that I am confident and said ‘Hey we should go to the gym together if you are free’ For your info: My ex used to be much more active than me and always was the one dragging me to work out, which felt like torture to me back then. But I figured since I enjoy it now, we could work out together to bond.
Asking her out was the right thing to do. If an ex reaches out, you should assume that 90% of the time she wants to see you. Yes, there are exceptions, but you should assume that she is interested in finding out what kind of man you’ve become. At the very least she’s curious to hear from you and re-evaluate. She thinks: “He’s changed. He’s no longer begging and pleading. He’s looking quite attractive. He works out. I guess he’s back on track.” Maybe you’re even more on track than she is. Maybe your ex-girlfriend is not doing so well with the breakup but you are. The tables have turned.
What To Do After Your Ex Gets In Touch: Casually Inviting Your Ex To Reconnect
I wouldn’t have suggested going to the gym. I get it, you have some history with the gym, or she dragged you to work out in the past. So you’re probably thinking “Now I enjoy working out as well. So why don’t I use this interest of hers to work out together?” It sounds nice in theory, but the problem is this activity is just too casual. It would be much better to go on a real date. Always take your ex out on a date that can lead to sex afterward.
Plus, a dinner date is low-commitment. She doesn’t need to fear rejecting you too much. She can show up, or cancel plans. But that’s unlikely. Even if she’s unsure about you, she can go on one dinner date with you and if she’s not feeling it, it won’t repeat. And if she doesn’t want to make out with you, get back together, take it to the next level, then she can just go home and she will not see you for a while. Just like a date with a brand-new woman. When you go on a first date and it doesn’t work out, you just move on. Your ex wants that same freedom to not commit right away to getting back together.
Asking her to work out together is a very casual, repetitive activity. She might think “Oh my god, is he going to ask me to work out again after this? Does he expect that this is going to become a regular thing?” A dinner date is a one-time thing unless she wants more. Working out, going together for yoga, cycling, playing badminton, etc… All of these activities imply you might expect to do it more than once. She wants to avoid that because she’s not sure yet. Your ex wonders: “Do I want to commit to this relationship again?” So I would have asked for a standard dinner date. That would have been better.
When Your Ex Is Confused: Handling Confusing Messages from Your Ex
When I asked her out, she said “I am sorry. I didn’t want to give you a false impression that I miss you and want to get back together or anything like that. I just wanted to know how you were doing. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to meet up. I still need more space to think about us.”
Maybe it was too soon for her. Maybe, even if you would have asked her for a dinner date, she would have always rejected you. That’s OK. It’s common that the first touch-point with your ex won’t work out. But at least she was wondering about you. She was testing your security & strength. she wanted to know what’s going on with you. That’s a good sign. But it seems she’s not yet ready to hang out. Maybe she’s not ready to commit yet and she needs a bit more time. Maybe she’s seeing another guy but it’s on the way out. Whatever the reason, your ex knows that she’ll have to make a move again soon if she doesn’t hear from you again. So don’t push any further. Wait for her.
This left me really confused and felt like a punch in the gut. Everything was going so well until that moment. I haven’t even replied to her message yet. I’m kind of scared to say the wrong thing but I don’t want to look like I am ghosting her by waiting too long to reply. How do I respond to something like this? First, she shows interest, then she pulls away and she says she needs more space. I was thinking to write something like this: “Hey, sure. That’s okay. I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or pressure you in any way. I’m okay if you don’t want to meet up. I just thought it would be nice to meet up since I haven’t heard from you for such a long time. I didn’t want to make you think that I want to get back together. I’ve been busy with my life and I’m okay with if we don’t get back together.”
That is way too much. I wouldn’t say anything if an ex rejects you. If she says “I need more space,” or “Sorry I can’t make time for it,” or “I don’t want to get back together right now, I didn’t want to give you any false hopes,” then I would just be very brief. Say something like “Yeah, it’s fine. If you need some space, that’s cool, I understand. Just let me know if you change your mind or want to hang out. Anyway, I gotta go.” I wouldn’t say “I didn’t want to pressure you” or “Hey, I don’t want to get back together” — she has an inkling that you still have feelings for her. Never become defensive with an ex girlfriend. Always be chill.
Mixed messages from ex girlfriends can be really confusing. A lot of guys don’t realize that when an ex reaches out, she still has feelings for you, and she’s trying to figure out if she should rekindle your relationship. So don’t push at all. Don’t say too much. Hardly let it bother you. The bottom line is: If she still needs space and she rejects you, and you move on from it, then she knows what’s going to happen if she doesn’t hear from you after that: You’ll find someone else eventually. She’s the one who rejected you and she knows you are doing quite well with your workout. She can only be indecisive for so long.
She knows “Maybe I shouldn’t have rejected him because he seems to be just fine. It’s not like he’s chasing me and I thought he’s gonna come back and message me again.” But you’re not doing that. Eventually, she’s going to realize “Whoopsie, I shouldn’t have rejected him. I shouldn’t have said I need more space. What if he’s dating someone else right now?” Just give her the time that she asked for. trust me, that space and time will play in your favor as long as you keep your cool. So don’t overthink it when an ex says asks for space. Wait for her to come back and realize that she messed up.
Making The Right Move With An Ex-Girlfriend: Less Is Better With An Ex
In a nutshell, my goal is to show her that I’m not going to beg and plead again, so she finds some respect for me again. What do you think about this message?
Man, it’s tough! What to text when your ex texts you like that?! If you want to make your ex respect you again and show her that you’re not going to beg and plead, then don’t do anything over the top because by putting too much attention, it’s as if you’re seeking validation. Don’t reveal your cards too much. You’re trying to make sure that you don’t say the wrong thing. You’re in course-correct mode. You’re thinking about damage control. And as soon as you’re doing damage control, you’re expressing your feelings too much. Often, you end up being needy or saying too much to an ex. As soon as you appear defensive, insecure, or needy, she’ll think that she is right to be unsure about you. Your ex girlfriend knows that she’s the one who has the power right now because she’s still rejecting you or holding you at bay. But if you aren’t heavily impacted by it and it doesn’t bother you that much that she still needs more space, then you take some of the power away from her.
Right now, she can do whatever she wants and she will get you back now no matter what. But if you take away your exes’ power, then she will realize that you’re not heavily invested in her any longer. And then she will worry “Maybe he’s going to move on. Maybe, he’s going to find someone else. Maybe he already found someone else?“
So what do you do when an ex texts you and says she needs space? I know it’s very confusing when an ex girlfriend pulls away again because she reached out to you, but in this case, you don’t do anything! You did an okay job inviting her out. You should have invited her to a dinner date because then you could also seduce her. But overall, at least you tried to signal “I want to see you, let’s meet up. I want to spend time with you again and see where it goes.”
When an ex reaches out she says “Hey I want to see you,” but for some reason, she wasn’t ready to commit all the way to a meetup. She was definitely curious about you. And you took action, that’s great. But it wasn’t the right timing yet, and there is no point in over-analyzing why. Maybe she wasn’t okay with hitting the gym. Or maybe it was something completely different. Your ex will likely come back again in the future and then you’ll try again. So get back to focusing on yourself when she says she needs space and time. It’s similar to when she said she needed space after the breakup. There are doubts in her, and at this point, it’s up to her to resolve them — as long as you don’t mess up, which you didn’t.
So what you should do when an ex says she still needs space is: Don’t be hung up on her. I know this sucks but stay resilient. Don’t wait for her to continuously come back. Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep on working out. Keep on doing your online community. And start dating other women. You’re looking really hot right now, so depending on the gym, e. g. calisthenics, you can interact with lots of women. Go to an outdoor gym. Work out at the park. Go somewhere where you can meet lots of attractive women to distract yourself from your ex. That will boost your confidence.
Yes, you want your ex back and there is still a high chance that this will happen, but there are also a lot of great women out there that you should try to get to know. Maybe one of them will make you happy. And if not, at least you’re keeping yourself busy. You’ve done a good job with this so far. Keeping busy to not mess up increases your chances of getting your ex back.
