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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re gonna talk about the most important thing that your ex needs to see after a breakup. And for a lot of you guys it’s typically the same scenario that you kind of get insecure. Either you’ve already been insecure before the breakup. Your ex can kind of feel that you’re not very secure and then of course, when the breakup happens it just gets worse and worse. You become very needy. You start begging. So then you’re basically at level zero in terms of respect that she has for you. And you have to go back to a 10. When she started dating you, everything was perfect about you. She respected you. She loved you. She was inspired by you. But then over time she saw some cracks here and there and these cracks slowly opened and maybe you contributed to them cracking. So you gotta get your shit together after a breakup and so in today’s video, I have a situation from a guy who has been insecure. He had some troubles with this. He hasn’t been doing so well himself before the breakup, and that essentially led to the breakup. So let’s see what is my advice for him.
No Contact After A Breakup: What Makes Your Ex Girlfriend Want To Come Back?
Hi coach, I hope you can give me some urgent advice about what I should do because my ex just broke up with me three days ago and I have not been handling the breakup very manly. I tried anything to convince her to give us another chance but she says that she believes we had a good relationship together while it lasted, but she thinks that it is time to accept that we aren’t meant for each other.
The first thing that you should recognize is that right now, while you’re in this emotional state, it’s not the right time to convince her otherwise. Plus, on top of that, she’s already made up her mind right now. So you can’t just change her mind. It’s like trying to convince, for example, your best buddy who just decided that he’s about to go on a Vegas strip, instead of hanging out with you on the weekend to say “no hey look let’s let’s just hang out on the weekend,” but that doesn’t work because he just made up his mind to go to Vegas. So she’s already made up her mind. Right now is not the right time to actually try to convince her otherwise. So the most important thing that you should accept right now is that you should not force it. Don’t try to fight it. I know it sounds incredibly counterintuitive. Everybody wants to fight it. You don’t want it to happen. But the only way how you can actually reverse this if you actually apply reverse psychology. So you gotta give her the space or the time.
Whatever she needs, right now, this is not the right thing for her. You can’t force her into something that she doesn’t want. Humans don’t want to be forced into anything that they don’t want. And you gotta give her the freedom to make her own choices. So time to do no contact for you. She thinks right now that you had a good relationship and that it was great while it lasted, but you just aren’t meant for each other. But is she gonna feel the same way in the future? So for example, imagine you’ve had a really shitty job, or a job that you actually didn’t like, then you quit your job, and you jump to another job. Has it ever happened to you that maybe you joined the new job and you thought it would be much better but you made the wrong decision? And that new job actually sucked? That can happen.
I actually had a co-worker like this a few years ago. He left to move to Singapore from the Philippines, so of course, in Singapore he was earning a lot more money as a software engineer as well, and he came back after less than a year to the Philippines, where he was earning less, quality of life was worse, because I guess the work-life balance probably in Singapore was horrible. So not everything is always as great as it seems. And look, your ex might date someone for a while. Maybe she’s just hooking up on Tinder. It doesn’t really matter. But over time, she might realize actually, you know what, I do miss you. That relationship wasn’t so bad. And then she’s gonna reach out to you. But for that to happen you have to give her the space because otherwise she’s just gonna be annoyed or bored, frustrated, turned off, all kinds of negative emotions that you want to avoid.
Insecure Before The Breakup: Your Ex Needs To See That You’re Addressing Your Problems
We’ve been together for almost three years, but the last year has been very stressful for me with work and other struggles, whereas for her, her career kept on getting better and she’s been more than doubling her monthly income. Meanwhile, I had been struggling as an up-and-coming artist, and seeing her flourish so much has been making me feel very insecure, and it’s shown up in the way how we communicated and spent our time together.
So clearly, you’ve been struggling because of the money and this is something that a lot of guys struggle. Money, looks, status. Women want a man of status, and so you know, of course, perhaps you’re asking yourself well what do I have to offer? If she’s doing great with her career but I am struggling a lot. So now you’re feeling insecure, of course, you want to be in a relationship where this doesn’t happen. You should always feel good about yourself and the things that you’re providing to a woman. Now, of course, with that said, money is not the only thing that you have to provide to a woman. Emotional security is something that you also have to provide to a woman and so, for example, you could be a total broke ass bitch and you could still make a woman happy, because overall you are very secure. Maybe you can’t afford a fancy car but if you’re super secure, if it doesn’t bother you, she might not care that much.
Now I’m not gonna take that route all that way to say look, if you are super freaking piss-poor, she still wants to date you. Of course not. If she can tell that you are completely struggling, why would she want to date you? What can you provide to her? She can’t have a family with you. She can’t grow old with you. What about if she wants to quit her job and wants to have children and wants to take care of the children, wants to stay at home, of course, she has to rely on you. So it’s really important to get this part of your life in order and you say it quite directly: You’ve been an up-and-coming struggling artist. So what that tells me is basically you are not a known artist right now. So I don’t know how great your art is. Maybe your art is really great and you got to realize something. 50% of your success, probably maybe even more, is not your skill. It’s not your art. It’s not how good of a coder you are. It’s not about what kind of a good designer you are. It’s not about what kind of a good copywriter you are. And so on so forth. It’s about how you sell yourself. And it’s about how you approach all of that process. So let me first get into what you say and then I’m gonna go more into this.
Didn’t See Breakup Coming: After You Neglected Your Ex Girlfriend, Show Your Ex You’ve Changed
I was mostly focused on hustling and finding new clients and in the process I neglected her too much. I didn’t see the breakup coming because I was too much sucked into my own world.
Right, so that is the problem. You’ve been hustling way too much and focusing so much on your clients. Now, there’s nothing wrong with trying to get clients. Obviously, I just told you you gotta figure out how to sell yourself but are you doing this actually in the right way? Are you doing it in a smart way? Or for example, are you just leaving things up for chance? For example, a few months ago I had a coaching session with a guy who had a breakup with an ex and he was actually also an artist and I could tell that he always used the same words about how he was getting clients. He always said that he didn’t have enough luck, or that he was always looking for that lucky streak when he would get more clients. And I don’t deny that he wasn’t working hard, but he always thought that everything was reliant on his luck. Like “One of these days all of these people in hollywood, they’re going to see my worth. Lucky streak! Someone is going to see my worth and then I’m going to get all of these clients.”
And so he has been just hustling, hustling, hustling, and I have to actually catch up with him in about a month from now and see how he’s doing. And exactly in a month from now I’m going to ask him how has he been doing with his progress, because that was one of the big things that he wanted to focus on to actually succeed more with his freelance business. Because he wanted to focus on himself. So that would then reflect in his personal life and also with his ex. So it’s very important that you don’t repeat this, that you don’t stay sucked into your own world, because imagine if she comes back and you’re still stuck in that cycle of trying to make it work. Make it work. Make it work. Then, of course, it’s not gonna work out!
So you should try to use the time that you have right now to focus on yourself and try to tweak some of the things that haven’t been working before. So what has it been that you’ve been doing so far that didn’t work with that up-and-coming artist thing? And try to figure out okay how can you change your process, try to change your approach, and experiment a little bit. So for example, every three months you kind of shift or cycle through different approaches and maybe you need a mentor. Maybe you do actually need some coaching to talk through some options to figure out what is the right thing to do, because most of the time, it’s all about your mindset.
And so she has clearly been succeeding with her business over her career. You haven’t. So maybe she has something with her mindset that has been working for her but then with your mindset it wasn’t quite there yet. So you gotta figure out what isn’t working there because otherwise, if you ever get back together, the same thing is just going to repeat over and over again. So that’s very important to remind yourself.
Struggling With No Contact: Getting Back Together After No Contact Is A Matter Of Emotional Self-Control
Now she’s gone and I had been begging too much. I was already really stressed back then with work and I couldn’t deal with it seeing her succeed while I was struggling. Now that she’s gone, I’m feeling even worse and this makes me miss her even more. I know that she is doing better than ever with her career. So I don’t think she has any reason to miss me.
Well, it’s incredibly easy to make these assumptions but you don’t actually know if that is the truth. Maybe she’s doing great with her career, but what are the things that are actually falling short? Are her friends falling short? Relationships could be falling short. Maybe she could have done something to help you out. For example, maybe she also didn’t pay enough attention to you and how do you actually know that she doesn’t miss you either? So if she’s so career-driven right now, or if things are going so great with her career, then perhaps she’s actually lonely right now. So I wouldn’t make any assumptions about this because you have no idea how she feels. And it’s really, really dangerous to make an assumption of “She doesn’t miss me. She’s doing so great.” I see this all the time with people looking at a certain woman’s, at an ex’ social media how good she’s doing and often she’s doing quite miserable.
It’s the same thing actually in dating, in general. A woman can look really, really happy on her IG, for example, but she can be a total mess. So that doesn’t mean anything. And you should completely ignore that. You shouldn’t focus on how she’s doing. You don’t even know how she’s doing right now. Okay? It’s only been three days since the breakup, but I mean, why would he even worry about that? It’s just very unlikely that after three days she’s just like “Oh well, I have a great job and so hallelujah, let me just move on and forget this guy forever!“… That is very unlikely. That’s not going to happen. It’s actually probably more likely that she’s going to feel really bad because of the breakup and then maybe do worse with her career. Of course, I wouldn’t wish her that. You shouldn’t wish her that. But I think that is the more likely outcome for her right now. So that’s just some perspective for you.
Won’t My Ex Girlfriend Find Another Guy: After A Breakup Make A Change No Matter How Hard It Is
I don’t really know what I should do to fix things with her. I feel like she’s just drifting further and further apart from me and the more time that passes, the more distance is created between us.
Well, it’s just like I said: That much time and distance hasn’t really passed between you. It always feels kind of scary that there’s distance, of course, the longer you do it you know, three months, six months, of course, there’s gonna be more distance, but right now it literally just started. So you shouldn’t expect that there’s gonna be a gigantic gap between the two of you right now, especially if you stay focused on yourself. You could actually close that gap over time. So again, it is about that mindset in here. You have to focus on positivity and doing the right things. Thinking about this is not going to work out. It’s not going to help you. But thinking that “I can do this! I’m going to get my shit back on track! I’m going to figure this out! I’m going to close that gap between us!“… That way you’re actually going to reduce the distance between the two of you.
What To Do To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back: When You Feel Like No Contact Will Only Make Things Worse
What are you supposed to do if your ex didn’t only break up with you, but also it was your fault, and there’s no nice way to sugarcoat it? She’s getting happier, whereas I am feeling like shit! Not only because I know I neglected her, but also because I can’t help but think about what she’s doing and if she’s spending time with some guy who is not neglecting her. Thanks so much for your advice!
So that is the completely wrong approach. You should recognize that while you were a couple, things weren’t working out. So you should recognize that when you’re in a relationship, you actually don’t have that much time, you really gotta multi-task. You gotta take care of your girlfriend. You gotta take care of errands. You gotta take care of work. And also friends. All of this balancing act is not that easy. Right now, you’re single. So really, you can focus on that one thing which is your career. Improve that. But instead you’re more focused on her.
That’s never gonna work out, especially about the rebound guy. If she’s with some new guy, it doesn’t really matter. If I look at studies, most likely she’s gonna be with a new guy eventually and quite fast, most likely, but rebound relationships also don’t really last very long. Actually, surprisingly, I forgot the exact number again. Three and a half months, I think, or three months, was the median range of a rebound relationship. So they just don’t last. So don’t worry about this at all. The only thing that you should be worried about is that you are not growing because you’re so focused on her, and on the things that aren’t working for you. That you’re thinking “I’m stuck here. Look at me. It’s not working out.” You’re stuck here staying in place and she’s moving further and further away.
But she’s only moving further and further away if you don’t move. So let’s say you are here, she’s here, now she’s slowly moving further away. Of course, that’s scary, but what if you actually start moving faster than she’s moving forward? At some point, you’re gonna close that gap. You’re gonna close that distance and she will notice. She can’t just ignore when you’re growing and when you’re making progress. And she probably has an inkling of what happened there. She probably knows that this was your problem. You’ve been struggling. You’ve been very stressed. You weren’t making enough income and deep down she probably has a little bit of an idea of what stressed you. So if you fix that about yourself, if you get your shit back together, and she can then eventually tell once she reaches out, then she’s gonna be like “wow he has changed!“… You have changed! This is a different person than you’ve been like a year ago, and you’ve been, what did you say, three years together? I think, right? So there’s a lot of attachment. She clearly cares about you. Now she didn’t get her emotional needs fulfilled. So what you need to focus on is, look, are you chasing too many clients? Are you working non-stop? Are you getting underpaid? What you should be doing is, for example, find a client who just pays more. Do that one project that gives more money and you can spend more time on other things.
So I’m gonna give you an example: I just moved to Bali, right? And I’m trying to learn Indonesian right now. Indonesian is a great language. It’s relatively easy but I’m gonna start taking Indonesian lessons in three weeks from now. I’m gonna start I think, and so I booked a trial lesson with a teacher online. And she is very cheap. I think she’s like 10$ per hour, which is right, now that’s like not even 10% of what I charge for one hour of my coaching calls. So think about it! She has to work all the time just to make ends meet, whereas I, with a single coaching call, earn more than she earns in a single day! That’s the kind of approach that you should have as well! Find the right clients for you, who are willing to pay, so that you don’t have to work so hard. I want you to spend more time with your woman, with your family, with your friends, relationships obviously matter to me as a relationship coach, and I don’t like this at all. I’ve gone down that route myself and it really freaking sucks. I think a lot of guys go down that route and it just hurts. It’s painful. It’s not comfortable. We don’t feel good about ourselves and deep down even though, of course, we all care about our career, about our excellency, about being great at what we do, we also care about the people who matter to us.
And we sometimes neglect them too much because we don’t really see how we’re neglecting it too much. But now you realize that of course. So change your approach. Get your shit back in line and then over time, you know, she can’t ignore that and it doesn’t really matter if she moves away from you right now. It’s only been three days anyways! So stay calm, relax! You’ve got this! Focus on yourself, not her! And over time, you’re going to catch up with her, and then, she’s eventually going to reach out to you, and then you got to have fun. You talk with her! You keep it light! You show her how you’re doing so much better and that’s all she needs to see. She just needs to see that growth. She needs to see that the patterns don’t repeat. That you’ve had in the past. And once she can see that, she’s gonna be happy! Three years of a relationship, that is a lot!
She loves you, and she’s not going to move on anytime soon. So take it easy, be easy on yourself, but also focus on the things that are important, which is you your goals, not her. You gotta do no contact, but your goal should be not her, not getting her back, it should be getting yourself back! Being happy again! And then the rest will follow! So that is my advice for you! Let me know in the comments what you think! Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and well, maybe give me feedback on this video. So as you can see, I am experimenting with my apartment while I still have an apartment. I’m gonna stay here for three months, so I gotta figure out the right recording scenario until I have my own house, so let me know what you think and thanks so much for watching. Never forget to unleash the king within!