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Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What is up kings, it’s Andy Graziosi helping you unleash your confidence. In today’s video we’re gonna talk about finding the confidence to talk to women on a date, figuring out what to say, how do you lead the conversation, how do you make sure that you don’t have awkward pauses and here’s my simple quick hack. Just talk about crypto. Nah, just kidding. That typically probably doesn’t work so well with women, they’re probably bored by this shit, but hey, you never know, maybe she’s into crypto. Nah, but let’s be real, I have a message from a guy, I forgot his age but he’s very young. and he basically doesn’t know how to talk to chicks and he doesn’t know how to keep the conversation going and I’m not a big fan of hacks. I think it’s much more important to have the right mindset about this. How do you talk to a woman? How do you stay entertaining? What makes you entertaining as a man? So let’s get into the situation and let’s see what I have to say.
I Never Had A Girlfriend In College: How To Get Over Shyness With A Girl After Missed Opportunities
Hello Andi, I want to ask you some questions about going on dates. I’m a pretty shy and introverted guy and I’m also just straight out of college and unfortunately. I missed out a lot on the classical college lifestyle that most people get to experience due to how the last two years shifted the education system.
Yeah so dude, don’t worry so much. I know you missed some shit, you must be 22, 23 but there’s always time to repeat this stuff. Trust me, I am 32 now, I’m reaching 33 soon, I can’t even properly recall my age anymore at this point because I don’t give a shit. I’m 32 and I am still meeting a lot of great women, I’m still experiencing new things. So you have so much time left and it’s also important to recognize that just because you didn’t go to college doesn’t mean that you missed out. Actually, I never went to college. In Germany we have kind of a different education system than you have in the US. We call this dual system. Anyway, you go to work and then you also go to school at the same time. It’s definitely not the same thing that you have in college where you guys go crazy. You typically live at home and I basically missed out on the classical US college life and I got laid plenty, so don’t worry dude.
How To Flirt With Girls: What To Talk About On A Date With A Girl To Have A Fun Date Conversation
So I am not very experienced with dating, talking to girls and going on dates. My problem is that I am not really sure what to say on a date. I actually went on a date just two weeks ago and to say that it didn’t go well would be a pretty generous statement. I just felt so weird about what to say to her and spent too much time in my head. It’s kind of difficult because you have to kind of anticipate what she is going to say so you can think of what to say next.
That is probably your biggest problem. You’re trying to figure out what is she saying next. So while she’s talking to you, while she’s telling you something, you’re already thinking “Okay how do I respond to this? Where is this going? Where do I lead the conversation?” But that doesn’t make sense because look, let’s imagine she told you 50% of the entire story, you’re already trying to figure out how to respond to this. But the interesting part of the story is in the other 50%. So how can you think about what to say next? That tells me that you’re not listening properly. And that is a huge problem because if you’re not listening to a woman, if you’re not trying to stay curious about what she’s telling you, then you can’t lead the conversation anywhere because curiosity is the most important thing. And if you’re not listening, if you’re trying to anticipate “Okay where is this going to go next?” No idea man, how the hell are you supposed to know? How am I supposed to be able to tell you where the conversation will go next with some chick that I never met? That’s a silly question to ask!
Your problem is that you’re not in the moment. You’re not there with her. What you should do is just be in the moment with her and actually be spontaneous. Now I know that is your problem. The thing is you haven’t taught yourself yet to be spontaneous. You’re always trying to think “Okay what is the next best thing to say?” Your problem is that you think there is the next best thing to say. But there’s not. The thing is when I go talk to a woman, when I talk to a stranger, when I go outside and I talk to a neighbor, I don’t know what they’re gonna say and I don’t care. It’s back and forth. It’s bouncing off ideas. And you don’t look when you play tennis, right? You have to strike when the ball is on your side, not when it’s still in the air. That doesn’t make sense. You’re gonna miss the ball. Conversations are just like that. If you try to strike the ball when she is basically with her conversation at just 50%, the ball is barely over the net… Then you can’t find the right thing to say because you haven’t properly listened. And that’s a big problem because no woman wants to be with a guy who doesn’t listen. That is one big problem for dating but of course, it’s a much bigger problem in relationship because who hasn’t heard that line or who hasn’t dealt with the woman who’s like “You’re not listening to me. You’re not hearing what I’m saying.”
That’s what’s going on because you’re not thinking about what do I respond. How do I get out of this situation? How do I solve this problem? You’re approaching it kind of like that. You’re approaching your conversation like a problem. That is your mindset problem because you’re way too anxious. So if you consider a conversation as a problem then it’s no wonder that it’s not working out. You have to approach it from the point of view of how you talk to your best friends. Like yeah, your best friend or one of your best friends. Do you ever think about what to say to them? No, whatever comes out of your mouth just goes out of there. Now, obviously, you shouldn’t just throw anything at a woman, right? So you shouldn’t say some crazy naughty shit or something really disgusting or whatever. That’s not something that she wants to hear. But ultimately it just has to flow out of you. It has to be something that you don’t think through. It comes from your heart. It comes from your entertainment, from your joy. That’s what you should be talking about.
Stop trying to figure out what is in a woman’s brain because you / I am certainly too, I will never fully understand what’s in there for a woman. It’s just a reality. You have to figure that out as you talk with her, as you ask her questions, as you do back and forth. That’s how you figure out what’s in her heart, what’s in her mind, what she cares about. You’re not going to figure out what she cares about by trying to anticipate or run an algorithm. Or being like an AI. Okay, she said this so I guess next she’s going to say this or she’s going to mean this or she must be like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Be in the moment. Let her finish. Listen to it first. Be intrigued by it. Be interested by it. Absorb it. Really understand what she’s telling you. Then you reply. I know that’s a very scary thing to do. It takes practice but that’s really what you have to do. The easiest way how you can practice this is don’t do it on dates. Do it somewhere else where it is platonic.
Parties are a good way where you talk to, you go to a party, you go with friends, two guys, they bring some girls and instead of trying to get hooked up with some chicks on the party or wherever you are in a bar or something like that. No, you know what you do? You just talk to these two girls and you practice how to have conversations with them until it feels really natural to you. You’re not trying to please them. You’re not trying to get their number because they’re just friends and you’re practicing how to talk to women, how to keep conversations going without the need to be Mr. Perfect because you’re not trying to get their numbers and they’re trying to date them. So you have to get to the same state where you can talk with them like they are your best friend. So that’s a good way how you can practice this.
Dating When Not Ready As A Guy: Dating A Woman More Successful Than You When You’re Young
It was also difficult because I felt like she was ahead of me with her life goals. I’m 24, just out of college and I’m just starting to look for a job. Even though she’s younger than me, she already is on her first job. So I felt like I couldn’t really talk with her about career stuff.
Why not though? Okay, she’s a little bit ahead of you in life, but you’re basically both still babies. Wait, did you mention the age? You’re 24. You’re 24 and she’s younger than you, so she’s 23 maybe, I guess. Must be one year difference, maximum two. Maybe she did one year shorter than you and who cares, dude? You’re both, sorry to say, dude, you’re both still babies. You’re barely adults at this point. There are so many things that you still have to learn about life. You’re barely growing up. I’m actually always surprised because in Germany where I’m from, we start to have jobs at the age 17. Some of us have jobs at 17. So like I said, I didn’t go to college. I went to school/vocational school when I was 17. This is very common in Germany. I guess you could say that we, anyway, grow up a little bit faster. And I’m always amazed at how Americans only start to have real jobs, maybe 24 or some already jump right to their master’s degree, which is like, what the fuck? So you’re 30 and you barely had a job.
So that should just get you some perspective. You are both really young at this point. And if she’s ahead a little bit, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that both of you have aspirations right now. You’re both straight out of college. She’s out of college and you’re looking for a job right now. So you have big dreams. You have big goals. You want to achieve something. Like, for example, when I was your age, I wanted to live in Asia. And then when I lived in Asia, I wanted to live by the beach because I was living in the big metros. Now I’m living that dream. So you know, previous me would have aspired to be me. I would have met me in the past and I’d be like, wow, this guy has his shit together. So don’t worry so much about not having it all figured out because right now both of you can figure it out together.
Again, it’s about curiosity. So you should actually think about, okay, who is this woman? What does she want? And what is her job? What is she interested in? What are her passions? Where does she want to be in five years from now? She just started her job. So okay, that’s her starting point. But what does she want to do in three years from now or four years from now or five years from now? Like maybe she is works in a law firm and right now she’s, you know, like a clerk, you know, she’s very low, low, low rank, but she wants to be a partner, for example. That’s a huge aspiration. And she doesn’t feel like she’s the shit right now. So just something important to remember that you’re not that far apart. You’re both still figuring out your lives. You’re not at the stage where you’re in your 30s or 40s where both of you roughly have figured out your life and you’re stable and you have a career, maybe you have your own business. So, you know, there’s so many things to still explore and you should explore together. So that’s important to remember.
Conversation Starters On A First Date: How To Relax And Have Fun On A First Date With A Girl
Do you have any tips about how to keep the conversation going and to make sure it is interesting for the girl? I definitely struggle so much with the 4D chess conversations because I’m so afraid of an awkward silent pause happening where you don’t know what to talk about. This happened to me in the past and fortunately, it didn’t this time, but I feel like I was really close to it. So any tips are really appreciated on how to find more topics to talk about.
Well, again, it’s like I said, you are too much. You’re not in the moment. You’re anticipating too much into the future and you’re probably not showing who you are. So typically there are two ways how this can go in a conversation with a woman. So how to keep it interesting, how to avoid the awkward pause. The truth is if a woman is into you, she will ask you a ton of questions and you got to be interesting. So interesting in terms of your passions, just tell her what you’re interested in. So, for example, your problem, like you said in the last paragraph is you think that you are behind her. She’s ahead in life. So that tells me that you have very low confidence. You think you don’t have value. And so because of that, you probably didn’t share what makes you special, what makes you unique. What are you really good at? So, for example, when I was young, I was just incredibly good at technology & design. I was nerdy. I was really efficient because I’m German. So you know, Photoshop and all that stuff, you know, shortcuts. And I just love this kind of stuff. That’s what made me special. And that’s what women found interesting about me because I was so passionate about these things. I would just share about these things and then they would ask me some questions. And the same thing happens now.
And the thing is women will just ask more and more questions. Then what you have to do is you just every now and then also ask a question about her to show her you’re interested in her as well. So she’s really into you. She wants to find out more about you. So you just got to focus on your life, man. Focus on what makes you awesome. You are looking for a job right now. You’re probably very excited to whatever you’re starting as a job, your trade, your craft. You must be so excited to start it and then get really good at it. That’s something that you can bounce off of. And she’s going to ask you more and more questions. Then you didn’t answer them. Then you just reply really playful. And every now and then you ask her a question back. So for example, if she asks you about, you know, let’s say your job, for example, like let’s say you talk about what kind of company do you want to work for? You want to work for a company that is remote or hybrid, something like that. It lets you work online or in another country. And then you talk about this and then you could ask her what kind of company do you want to work for or how do you want to work? Where do you want to live? What’s your plan in life? So you bounce off of these topics and sometimes you ask her the same question back that she asked you.
And again, it’s about reacting to it in the moment. Just be curious, be excited by it because that way you’re not going to look. The thing is you’re so in the moment, right? You’re not in the moment. You’re looking way ahead into the future. So you can focus on what she’s telling you. When I have a conversation with a great woman, I am not in the moment. I’m just listening to what she has to say. No anticipation. I have no idea what she’s going to say. And then very often what happens is she says something that I disagree with or that I find funny or that’s weird. And then I’m like, huh, what? No way. No, come on. You can’t be serious. Oh my God. I could never do it like that. That is just me and you teach a little bit. No, that’s bullshit. I would never do that. Something like that. You know, interesting stuff and you just bounce off it in the moment. Just react to it how you actually feel. It’s about authenticity, about being real with yourself, being real with her. Because otherwise she can’t see who you are and she’s never going to want to date you. All right.
When A Date Feels Like An Interview: How To Meet And Talk To A Girl For The First Time & Get To Know Her
Maybe you have some suggestion on how to actually figure out what the girl is interested in to figure out where we have shared interests. And also what if we have no shared interests? What if there’s just nothing good to talk about where we’re similar? That’s the awkward pause that I’m afraid of. You just sit there and then don’t really know what to say next. Once you hit that moment, it’s really weird and it’s kind of obvious that you won’t go on a second date because the girl will think that you’re boring or unattractive. I’m waiting for your response. Thank you so much.
Well, two problems. First of all, I want to highlight this one more time that it’s really about curiosity. Maybe you’ve heard me say this before couples who stay curious will not become furious. That is a mantra that I have for long-term relationships. You got to stay curious, figure out what your woman wants, what excites her right now. What are some new things that she wants to try because that way she can tell that you care about her. So it’s all about just asking and being in the moment, really listening to her. So that’s number one. But the more important thing that you mentioned here is what if you don’t have shared interests? Well, it doesn’t matter. It really does not matter.
Actually, it’s quite interesting if you don’t have shared interests or if you don’t have that many shared interests because what are the odds? What are the odds that me, I used to be very nerdy. I used to code and do design, tech-y shit and I really cared about technology announcements and stuff like that. What are the odds that a woman is like that or the woman that I’m talking to is like that? Not that many women are like that. So the odds are pretty low. And actually, last week I matched with this girl, really nice, really funny from Jakarta And she’s nice. I think great girls are in Jakarta, but they come to visit Bali where I live very often because Bali is like paradise basically. And she’s a lawyer girl. She works at a law firm. And I joke, I basically said I don’t know anything about this, but I would love to know some stuff because I want to open the company here in Indonesia very soon. And I just hate numbers. I hate legal shit. I hate all of this non-creative stuff. I just don’t understand it. I just can’t deal with it. And so, well, you know, she told me, you know what? OK, you teach me surfing and I will teach you some law stuff.
So hey, that’s fun, you know, and I’m sure if we have a date, she’s going to tell me a lot of stuff that I have no idea about. But that’s OK. I’m going to learn something new. I’m going to see what makes her special. That’s the cool thing, actually, about not having so many shared interests, because why would you want to be with a woman who’s exactly like you? Some shared interests are great, but it’s also really great to explore something about a woman. The best conversations that I’ve ever had with women are either when we have something in common. Yes, like, for example, I once dated a woman who was also kind of creative. You know, she was a digital producer at a TV station and, you know, she was kind of… We kind of got along and I understood what kind of world she came from. That was cool. The other thing is, though, if you don’t have shared interests, you can learn a lot of new things that you had no idea that existed, that you never knew that you found interesting or that you could find interesting. So, for example, many, many years ago, I dated this woman and she was a finance girl. She was an accountant, a little bit of accounting, some law and stuff like that. I didn’t know anything about this. And now I trade crypto and I fucking love crypto.
And I’m still not a financial guy, but I took some parts from her and made them my own. So that’s cool. I became a more rounded person. I learned some new things from my life. That’s awesome. It’s not a problem if you don’t have shared interests. In fact, I would actually ask about that. That’s perfect if you don’t know something, you know, if she has something like, for example, yeah, finance stuff, right? Or law like the girl that I matched with. You don’t know anything about it. That means you can ask so many questions about it. And guess what? She’s going to be happy to share about it because she’s so excited about it. It’s her job. It’s her passion. It’s what she cares about the most. So she’s going to be really happy when someone has interest in it. Because guess what? A lot of people, for example, with a finance girl or a law girl, they’re going to be like, okay, I don’t have any questions about this. I’m not interested. You know, like her friends don’t care about this.
But if some guy that she’s into asked her about this, she’s going to be really attracted to you because she’s like, oh, this guy likes me. He likes what I do. So let me share what I’m interested in about. I’m sure you’ve heard. I’m sure you’ve read the book. What is it? How to influence and what is it? How to influence and win people. Win with people, something like that. But what’s the name? You get it. It’s a very popular book, right? Dale Carnegie. And yeah, you just ask people about themselves and they love that. And it definitely works with women because women love to talk. So just ask those questions. If you don’t have shared interests, then find out what she thinks about these things and how she perceives it. Like, for example, that law girl, I started our conversation with the Amber Heard trial and I asked her how she perceives it, was going to win. And then we had like this really funny back and forth banter. We talked like we were in the trial. It was really fucking funny. So hey, that’s perfect, man.
Awkward Silence During A First Date: What To Say To A Girl When The Conversation Gets Boring
That’s the awkward pause that I’m afraid of. Just sit there and then not really know what to say next. Once you hit that moment, it’s really weird. And it kind of is obvious that you won’t go on a second date because the girl will think that you’re boring or unattractive. Waiting for your response.
Actually, you already said that. I repeated all of this that you just said. Well, did you know what? OK, I’m going to wrap up with something. Doesn’t matter, dude. Look, sometimes you mess up and you need to learn from your mistakes. So you’re clearly not in the moment. You’re thinking too much about what to say. And look, if you had this weird shitty date where it was awkward, you know what should happen? You got to learn from your failures. You’ve got to learn from your mistakes and from your wrong mindset. And that teaches you that you need to change your mindset and you’re going to change that mindset over time. And like I said, you should probably practice with women who are not dates to keep conversations going to just talk about random shit.
And dude, you can literally do this anywhere. You can literally go to the barber and talk to women. I still remember when I was very young and shy. I would go to this barber shop in my town where I went to school, the vocational school. And I was this girl. She was so damn gorgeous. And that was socially awkward. And she wanted to have conversations with me, but I just couldn’t. It’s really good to practice actually. Like something simple like going to the barber and having a conversation with a girl there. It’s as simple as that. Practice your social skills, not your dating skills. Then you’re going to get good at talking to women on dates and you don’t have to think of contrived ways what to say or hacks. You’re just going to be yourself. That’s what a woman wants to see. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.