Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about no contact and when an ex reaches out to you and then she wants to meet up, you basically have a date or a meetup, however, you want to see it. How do you actually handle that? How do you talk to her? What do you do on the date? What do you talk about? What do you propose?
Low Risk For Your Ex: The First Date With Your Ex After A Breakup Has To Be Low Risk
And, one thing that is very important that a lot of guys don’t understand, and this is not just about exes, about women in general, the way that women work, is they don’t like to take risks. We guys, we like to take risks. We always do crazy shit! And there’s a reason why women are attracted to men who take risks. There’s a reason why women like men who have a lot of money. There’s a reason why women like cars. There’s a reason why women like a man of high social status. The reason for that is because they don’t like to take risks.
So we, as guys, we gotta take risks. We gotta work hard. We gotta work hard on ourselves, on our businesses, and our careers. We gotta climb the social ladder. That’s the only way how you get a woman. And the same dynamic also matters with an ex. Your ex never wants to take any risks, so she wants to slowly see if she should get back with you. So when your ex reaches out to you, she is trying to test the water. She’s trying to figure out, okay, where to go next, what to do next. And when she suggests a date, or if you suggest a date, you gotta make sure that it’s easy, no risk, and you can ease her back into a relationship. I have a situation from a guy who got a message from his ex. She wants to basically talk, she wants to meet up. So let’s see what is my advice for him.
Losing Your Ex Girlfriend: Couples That Hate Each Other Right Before A Breakup Are Normal
Hello Coach, I need your urgent help with my ex who messaged me after no contact. She’s interested to meet up with me. FYI, our relationship was three years long. We broke up about five months ago with a big fight. Both my ex and I had been fighting nearly non-stop before the breakup. In the last two months before the breakup was the most depressing time of the relationship. It was awful how alienated we both felt from each other. Going to bed together almost felt like we were strangers, sometimes no cuddling or little cuddling.
My ex became extremely distant with me, and you could see it in her eyes how she did not want to even spend time with me any longer. The breakup was hard. I fucked it up. I begged too much. I lost my self-respect and begged her to stay. As soon as we broke up, I found out that she started going partying a lot with her girlfriends, and she may have been fucking around, although I can’t say that for sure. Anyway, I tried to reach out to her more than once, which was stupid, I know, but eventually, I started no contact. I think probably after a month or so, I went completely dark, no more chasing, no messages, no emails. I even sent her a digital letter. Fuck. I know what you’re gonna say. I even deleted that on my Google Drive.
Yeah, so obviously that was not the right thing to do. Obviously, chasing and begging is always not the right thing to do, and especially these long letters, digital letters. Maybe your ex is going to read it, maybe not. And you said that she basically started partying right after the breakup. So you can assume that this has been three years in the making. Oh well, your relationship lasted for three years. But then you said, you know, the first, the last two months were pretty bad. Probably has been bad for quite some time, but the last two months were really horrible. So she was ready to get out of that relationship. Some women when they’re in that stage, they already look for another guy. They monkey branch, or they’re getting ready to cheat. Other women are just losing hope. They are liking the attention that they’re getting from guys, but they have some integrity and they basically just get out of the relationship. And then they have something that’s called the hoe face. So your ex most likely had her hoe face.
As you said, she started partying right after the breakup. So who knows what was going on shortly before the breakup, but she was basically done. She was ready to move on. And that’s why begging didn’t work. She probably completely ignored your digital letter, and she didn’t give any two fucks about this. Probably her friends, her girlfriends, basically told her you were a piece of shit and they told her to move on. And they probably were happy that she’s broken up again. Maybe they were single, and so now their great friend is now single again. Now they can all basically fuck around, just meet up with guys, go partying, go wild, have no accountability, and you know, think that life is great and easy, and “I can do whatever the fuck I want with no consequences“. But typically, that’s not how it goes with women. There’s always a consequence for fucking around. I don’t know if she fucked around, but I’m assuming she probably did. And we’re gonna see. This video is obviously about her coming back. So, did she fuck around? Yes, maybe no, but most likely she did. And well, whether she fucked around or not, she realized things are not as great without you as she thought.
So yes, it sucked, obviously, for a while in your relationship. You had some problems. But most people, if they have integrity, if they really love each other, they will realize “Yeah, you know what? Okay, this sucked, but we could have fixed it.” I heard something really interesting being said recently about people who jump off from the… what’s that bridge? The Golden Gate Bridge, I think in Los Angeles, that’s the bridge. I forgot the name. When people jump off the bridge, they say that they had all these problems, and they jump off that bridge. And then in the moment that they realized that they jumped off the bridge, the only problem that they had was that they realized that the only problem that couldn’t be solved was that they now jumped off that bridge. So whatever made them jump off that bridge, that moment when they jumped, they realized, my only problem is I fucked jumped off that bridge. Some people survive, some people don’t. And the people who survived, that’s basically what they thought. With relationships it’s the same thing.
Most people, after they break up, after a bit, they have some clarity. They realize “Honestly, the only problem that I have at this point is that I don’t have that person anymore.” That’s why you want your ex back, typically. People who have anxious attachment styles realize that much, much sooner if their partner is avoidant or secure. But even if she’s anxious, if she’s had enough, she might not realize initially, “Well, this was actually not so bad, and my only problem now is that I’m single and the person that I love is gone.” So then, eventually, women come back. So that’s why you always need to do no contact, where you gotta give her space and time, and eventually, she will realize, probably whether she was hoeing around or not, “I should have probably given him the benefit of the doubt. I should have tried to find a way to resolve it. I probably should have listened to him begging. I should have listened to him saying that he wants to make it work. I should have not run away, and after two weeks of the breakup, I should have talked with him about it, work things through.” Typically, good women will come back. They will message you, and they will basically want to try to work it out again, but it has to be low risk. So, let’s see what’s going on here, and let’s continue with your message.
First Date With Ex: When An Ex Girlfriend Reaches Out And When An Ex Wants To Meet Up After No Contact
So now we are in the present day. Until now, I have been trying to work on myself, get my life in order, and now my ex messaged me more than once. We have been talking back and forth, not really talked much about the breakup, just mostly short messages. Things are awkward between us, but she asked me if we could meet up and talk over dinner.
You’ve been doing things quite right. So obviously, you fucked it up with the begging and all that stuff, but then you’ve been focusing on yourself. I can guarantee you, I sometimes get comments. I saw this one comment from a guy who said that “I’ve never had a woman come back. It’s bullshit. No contact doesn’t work.” And someone else actually replied to their comment, saying, “I’ve had many girls coming back to me.” I see this all the time. I’ve had pretty much all of my exes come back to me. If you haven’t been a complete piece of shit, if you haven’t been doing everything completely wrong in your relationship, women will always come back. So that guy who commented that he never had a woman come back, it said something about his relationships and the way that he treats women, that they never want to come back.
If you are the biggest piece of shit on the planet, if a woman is done with you, you’re done. But if you were overall a good guy, you had flaws, maybe you were insecure, maybe you weren’t a good listener, and so on, but overall, you’re a loving, kind guy, anyone will come back to you. And you’ve been working on yourself, and she can see that you’ve been working on yourself, obviously, because you’re no longer begging, you’re getting your shit in order, even though she might not know exactly what’s going on. You signal to her, ‘I’m gonna work on myself,’ and you stop begging, and you basically became laser-focused on yourself. So kudos to you, you’ve been doing everything right here, and now she asks you to meet up. So, good so far. And she wants to talk over dinner.
We Need To Talk: What Not To Do When Meeting Your Ex Girlfriend — Never Make Assumptions With An Ex
So, now I need to know what I should do next. Obviously, I said yes to the meetup, which I guess can be considered as a date. The question is, how do I play this? Do I play it cool? Do I flirt with her? It sounds to me that she wants to ‘have the talk’, if you know what I mean. It almost sounded like ‘we need to talk’. She clearly has something on her mind. I hope that she tells me how she feels and that she misses me, but I don’t want to jump to any conclusions.
Good, never jump to conclusions! Even I am not secure from this! Sometimes I have situations with some of my clients, and it sounds very much like the ex just makes up a bullshit excuse to reach out. But for example, I had this one client once where it sounded like his ex was interested in him again, and she reached out to him, but the reality was eventually it turned out that she reached out to him for insurance. They still had some insurance that was paid together and, you know, bummer. It happens sometimes! Never jump to conclusions. It’s very easy and dangerous to jump to conclusions.
Never do that because you never know exactly what your ex is thinking. I never know what your ex is exactly thinking. I can look at some patterns, statistics, my experience with my clients, and the studies that I’ve read that are also all in my breakup course, by the way, and I can give you an estimated guess, the most likely thing to happen based on all these data points that I basically have, and the experience that I have from working with my clients, but I can never say for sure 100% what’s going on. I can only point you in the right direction. And so, typically what I do is… What you just said, you don’t want to jump to conclusions.
So, I typically encourage my clients to not jump to any conclusions. And the same thing with the new program that I just launched, I basically designed it in a way that it’s no bullshit. I don’t give you any fake bullshit or false hope. I just say it exactly how it is, and that’s very important after a breakup because if you get false hope, or if you tell yourself, “No, no, look, there’s a sign here that she misses me, or this is the sign that she wants to make it work again,” and so on and so forth, and you try to basically read her mind and predict what she’s thinking, it just doesn’t work because women are fucking women, let’s be real. No matter how much you educate yourself, for example, about relationships, bitches be crazy, and sometimes you think you know what they’re thinking, and then you just don’t. They’re just women. We will never completely understand what they’re thinking. So, good for not jumping to conclusions.
Why Did Your Ex Reach Out: What Is Your Ex Girlfriend Thinking When Your Ex Wants To See You?
I have no idea what she’s thinking, so I hope you can tell me what she’s thinking and what her agenda is.
Well, clearly, her agenda is that she wants to talk about things. She’s probably exploring. You know, she wouldn’t be asking you to meet up with her if she wouldn’t be at least curious to see what you’ve been up to and why you’re no longer chasing her. She wants to know what’s going on with you. Clearly. Does she want to get back with you? Maybe, maybe not. She’s basically testing the waters, and so essentially what needs to happen is on the date, it needs to look good for her. No risk, like I said. She wants to have it very easy. And so the question is, you know, like you’re asking, “Do I flirt? What do we actually talk about?” You know, it sounded to you that she said, “We need to talk.” You know, like, “We need to talk” typically sounds like something negative in a relationship, but basically it sounds to you that she wants to talk about something serious, a relationship, probably the problems that happen in the relationship, and how you both feel about each other and all the things that went down, closure, and so on. And so, what should you be doing?
You need to again pose no risk to her. So, if she wants to bring it up, if she wants to talk about the relationship with what went wrong during the talk when you meet up, sure, go ahead. I would never push it myself. If you’re a guy and you go on that date, you want to make it very light-hearted, very fun. You talk about what you’ve been up to, or reminiscing, or you talk about some new things that you’ve learned or how you’ve changed, but you try to stay away from the negative stuff as much as possible. You want to make it positive, because when the date is over, your ex needs to remember that this was not too bad. It wasn’t risky. It was a good experience overall. Sure, it’s like you said, it’s kind of awkward, right? It’s very awkward to talk to an ex, but if the date was not really super awkward, maybe it was even fun, maybe it was interesting. You piqued her interest because you’ve changed so much.
Maybe you tell her about some book you’re reading or some reflection that you’ve been doing. It’s like, “Wow, I didn’t expect that.” So, it’s a bit of a positive undertone with the date, and that’s all you need with a date. If she wants to talk about what went down and go deep into all the stuff that didn’t work out, you can do that, but you keep it relatively short. The point is just to make sure that the date is entertaining for her, because you have to essentially just replicate the way that you fell in love with her in the past. So, it needs to be a really confident… Not confident… It needs to be a very convenient, comfortable date. Right. So, if you go on a date with your girlfriend, with your ex-girlfriend the first time, or if you’re dating around right now, you don’t talk about crazy stuff. Right? I had a match with a girl on Bumble that was like maybe two months ago, three months ago, and the first question that she asked was something like, she asked a question on Bumble, this question feature, and the question was something like, “What do you value most? Time, money, value.” And then, you know, she answered, and then I answered, and then, you know, you both saw the answer. Then she asked me why did I put uhh.. Maybe I put money, I don’t know. I forgot what I put first, to be honest. But she then asked me, hey, why did you choose that answer?
And I didn’t answer back to her, to be honest, because it was so boring. Would you start a conversation like that? Imagine you go on the first date, and you ask, “So tell me, what’s most important to you: time, money, or health? What’s more important? I want to know exactly what’s going on in your mind.” Of course, that would be fucking weird, right? If you have a date, you want to start it off easy, light, some jokes, some fun. You talk about what’s going on, and you know you’re not gonna ask a question like that. Your date with your ex has to be exactly like that or exactly not like that. It needs to be entertaining. You don’t want to be questioned, you don’t want to ask, “Fill out the form, like, so how tall are you? So how much have you been making? How much money have you been making? So do you want to have kids? So what’s important to you, health, money, relationships?” You know? “So, do you want to get married in the next two years?” You get the point. If you want to do a date like that, it would be a fucking turn-off, right? If your ex has to be just like that, you don’t want to be a fucking turn off. So as much as you can, just keep it light and fun and avoid talking about the relationship. You want to flirt.
Yes, you can obviously reflect on the things that went wrong if you have to, you got no choice. But if she doesn’t initiate it, I would not talk about it. And even if you talk about it, always try to get back to the fun stuff, the interesting things that you’ve learned about yourself, the things that you’re up to now, that she’s up to now, and talk about philosophy basically. Not so much about trying to get into an argument. It’s very easy to get into an argument, especially after a breakup when you basically still have high, strong emotions. Actually, that’s one of the things that I did in my breakup course. I have these worksheets in there that prepare you to not fuck up, for example, on a date. And so you want to have an action plan for how you actually respond to your ex. So you want to think about what are the things that might trigger you about your ex or your breakup, and to not respond to those things impulsively. And like I said, I have a worksheet, for example, in my course that helps you to figure that stuff out. So you basically want to keep it light-hearted. Alright, so let’s see how you wrap it up.
The First Date With Your Ex Girlfriend: How To Act Around Your Ex Who Dumped You
I think this is my chance. I put my house in order. I’m no longer a weak beta male. I stopped looking for her attention, validation, even now with her messaging. So I want to show up with a strong masculine frame in front of her. What’s the best way to go forward with the date? Thanks, coach.
Well, you’re already going on a dinner date, I assume. So like I said, if you want to show a strong masculine frame, then you gotta show her that you don’t need to talk about the breakup. You don’t need to talk about getting back together because the whole point why she came back to you is because you are no longer chasing. You are in no contact, right? You’ve been in no contact for quite some time, and you’ve shown her, “I don’t need you anymore. I am going to work on myself. I’m going to get my house in order. I’m gonna figure out what went wrong with me with you, and I’m going to move forward strong.” So, if you want to show a strong masculine frame, show that you’re okay not to talk about that stuff. If she wants to talk about it, then confidently you can talk about it. That is sexy. You tell her very clearly what you’ve learned, how you feel, and when there’s some conflict in the conversation, you listen to her. You don’t try to defend yourself, just try to understand what she’s feeling, and you’re basically not intimidated by the whole thing. The whole process needs to be positive. That’s a good, strong masculine frame.
So, that’s how it would go forward. If you can, try to flirt, for sure she’s probably gonna bring it up based on what you’ve been messaging me here. It sounds like she wants to talk a little bit about getting back together. Maybe she’s gonna tell you that she misses you, maybe not. Most of the time it doesn’t happen that an ex says “I miss you.” Typically with my clients, that doesn’t happen. They just reach out and they check in with their ex, and basically, you have to do the facilitating. So, if you’re doing a dinner date, grab one or two bottles of wine, depending on how many wine bottles you need to actually get tipsy, and make sure that the mood is nice and fun. And with alcohol, that typically helps a lot. And if you want to talk about the bad stuff in the relationship, you do it in the earlier part of the conversation where you haven’t been drinking too much. And then you just have fun. You’ve learned, and maybe you seduce her again, maybe you go home together, maybe not. But it’s all about being able to look into each other’s eyes, smiling, having fun, just like on an old date, the way they dated in the beginning, basically. So, that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what do you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
