Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video we’re going to talk about mindset in relation to no contact. So I think it’s very important to stay positive when you’re doing no contact and the reason why I want to talk about positivity is because right before this video I was listening to some great songs and I’m just in a really good mood and this is the kind of mood that you have to be in. So if you do no contact and you are doing everything right, you’re not begging, you’re not chasing her, you’re not sending her messages, you’re doing your own stuff, maybe you’re going to the gym or something like that… All of these things are amazing! But if you do everything right but you do this one thing wrong which is having the wrong mindset about no contact and you’re basically counting the days, you’re waiting for her, you’re making it all about her even though you might be doing everything in theory properly with the actions… Then it’s never gonna work out, or rather, you’re always going to be in a world of pain.
You’re always going to be disappointed because your expectations are very high. And then you’re wondering “Hey, does she miss me? Or what’s going on… Does no contact actually work?“… So I have a message from a guy today who basically has that problem. He has done pretty much everything right after the breakup, I would say, for the most part. He hasn’t really made any mistakes like a lot of guys do after a breakup. But he still has the wrong mindset. So I want to go into this. I want to talk about his situation and let’s see what are my thoughts. So let’s get into his message.
Does No Contact Really Work: She Doesn’t Miss Me At All — Will She Miss Me If I Don’t Contact Her?
Hey coach, I really like your content but I wanted to share my story with you about my breakup. I am very skeptical about no contact and have my doubts that any of this actually works. I really appreciate the way that you explain things but a part of me really wonders if all of this no contact stuff is just a marketing scam. No offense to you. Like I said your content is great but it seems like it’s not making my ex miss me at all.
So no offense taken at all. I know that a lot of guys probably think that this is a marketing scam and I must admit I’m working on a breakup course right now and I think it’s very difficult to make a course that doesn’t seem scam and a lot of people always think this is a scam, but the truth is that no contact is human psychology. So a lot of these things are based on psychology and probably one of the most important psychology or human bias to know about no contact is really how humans perceive negative emotions. So it’s all about giving your ex time because over time, she’s going to forget a lot of the negative emotions of you and this is called the fading affect bias, which means that on average, our negative emotions fade much, much faster than our positive. And actually, the positive ones, they stay, and in fact, we ruminate about those the longer time passes. We have this tendency to always look back at the past and think everything was better 10 years ago, or five years ago. “Everything was better with my previous ex.”
Things like that. So this our human bias and these are some of the biases why no contact actually works. And so this is why I don’t really blame you that you think this might be a marketing scam, or I’m just bullshitting you to get your money for a coaching session, or one of my courses. Well, the problem is, of course, with no contact you don’t really know “is she missing me?” Everybody who’s watching this probably always wants to have this question answered. Is it working? Does she miss me? The thing is how the hell are you supposed to figure this out? Very often, you can’t figure it out, especially when you’re in no contact.
Obviously, you don’t know what she’s up to. You don’t know what she’s feeling. And even if she might be reaching out to you, you can never fully know what she’s thinking. And this is why you just have to trust the process. You just have to trust the psychology. The fading affect bias. This is just how it works. I can guarantee you, depending on how old you are and how many breakups you’ve had, you probably eventually discovered that exes very often come back. Actually, I had an email from a client yesterday and he wanted his ex back. We had a coaching session and this ex hasn’t reached out to him yet but then there’s been this other ex of his… He sent me a message yesterday that I didn’t expect where he said that his other ex from more than 10 years ago sent him a message and she told him that she still has feelings for him. All that stuff. And now I’m currently advising him on the situation. So an ex from 12 years came back!
So the bottom line is you will eventually see that this happens quite often. Obviously, I see this all the time because it’s literally my work. Also, I’ve gone through breakups in the past myself. I’m 32 now so I’ve had my fair share of relationships that didn’t work out. So I have a lot of experience in this field. You might not have it yet depending on how old you are and how many relationships you had. So trust the process. Trust the psychology. That’s the first thing that I want to say to you.
The Relationship Faded Out: I Took Her For Granted After Too Many Small Miscommunication Issues
My ex and I broke up three months ago with relatively little drama. At least, when it ended, our three-year relationship had lots of ups and downs, especially towards the end. We really loved each other like crazy but we had a lot of miscommunications in the relationship and too many little fights here and there.
So this is pretty much the life cycle of a relationship. It starts really great during the infatuation phase. Nothing can go wrong. Eventually, then you start to have some fights here and there until eventually either you resolve it or you become very, very angry all the time. A lot of fighting. Or you take each other for granted and you withdraw from each other. Or one of you takes the other person for granted and doesn’t care or doesn’t realize how important the person is to them. And then eventually, the other person which is typically the woman will leave. So it doesn’t sound too bad so far.
It’s not as if we had crazy aggressive arguments but I think it’s more that you could say that we started taking each other too much for granted and it pains me to say it… I think I was more guilty of this than my ex. Her name is Keesha by the way. So eventually, what happened was that we had this small disagreement about how to spend our holidays and that spiraled into a bigger conversation about our relationship and then we talked, and Keesha said that she wanted to break things off because she felt that our relationship wasn’t like it used to be. I didn’t want the breakup and I told her that we could fix it but that was it.
So it wasn’t like a super hardcore breakup. So you had problems, obviously, but you didn’t try to kill each other during the breakup. So some couples, they will throw stuff through the room, or there’s a lot of drama with their friends or with the family. Lots of shit can go wrong. The best breakup that you can have is actually this kind of breakup where it’s kind of in the middle. There have been studies that if it’s too amicable where both people or one person just doesn’t care anymore or both don’t care and there’s no fighting or no arguing at all, then typically, couples don’t get back together. That’s according to studies on average. And if you have a rough, a little bit of a fight, then that obviously is very good because then you still care a lot about each other emotionally because you have so much emotion still invested.
Of course, then if you have it strongly emotional, a lot of fighting, a lot of bad words have been said, a lot of bad blood… That is kind of scary! It’s also recoverable, but obviously, if you would have something in the middle that would be that’s the best way and your situation is basically that. You had a bit of fighting, a few disagreements throughout the breakup, but then eventually, she basically said “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and she broke it off. And there was a little bit of fighting there, essentially. And you said that you wanted to obviously don’t go through with the breakup but that was it. So this is why I wouldn’t worry so much because you and Keesha, you had a three-year relationship, and there was a little bit of fighting. So there’s a lot of attachment in those three years.
Of course, there were problems and miscommunications, as you said, you have to work on those in the future when you get back together. But because of these attachments, she won’t just forget you very fast. She won’t forget you maybe ever, to be honest. Plus you had a little bit of fighting and I know this sounds counterproductive but it’s a good thing that you had a little bit of disagreements in your relationship, rather than just her being very apathetic and just not caring at all anymore about you. It’s just that she wasn’t happy anymore and she decided this was the moment to end it and she probably just wanted the pain and the disappointments to stop.
I Didn’t Beg Her To Stay: Ex Not Missing You Even If You Didn’t Beg Her To Get Back Together?
I barely begged after the breakup. I guess you could say that I begged pretty hard that day, but like I said, I may not be proud that I begged but I would not say that it was drama or a big argument, just a slow fade out of our relationship.
Perfect! So this is how you handled everything well. What I said in the beginning, like I said, I think you handled almost everything in your relationship or in your breakup perfectly. Obviously, the miscommunications during the relationship probably weren’t handled properly, otherwise, you would have never broken up. You took her for granted. For some reason, she just didn’t want to be with you anymore. So I don’t know all the details here. You’re not mentioning them. That wasn’t done well. But the breakup on your part is done quite well. You didn’t beg much. In fact, you only begged on that day, essentially, which is understandable if she’s breaking up with you. And you don’t want it, then you tried to convince her really hard, saying “Hey let’s not do this, and let’s figure it out“…
Okay, that’s kind of begging but at the same time, well, it really depends on how you do it, and how pathetic it looks like to her. How much did you basically go on your knees and beg for her to give you another chance. At the end of the day, you have to, of course, respect yourself and say if she just doesn’t want it, then you agree: Fine. I can’t make you love me. I can’t make you change your mind. But if you change your mind then you can reach out to me again.” In case you handle this quite well.
No Contact Rule Does Not Work: I Am Doing No Contact So Why Doesn’t My Ex Talk To Me?
I did not try to convince her further after the breakup to get back together. Instead, I buried myself in work and went to the gym as often as I could to distract myself from the heartbreak. And I also learned how to do no contact. I told myself that I would stay strong and if we could ever fix this, I would wait for her to miss me. I heavily bought into all of this no-contact stuff and watched a lot of your videos because I really think we had something special and despite our problems, I think the life that we built together for those three years far outweighs the problems that we had.
So again, I think you did everything right there. You buried yourself in work and the gym. That is good. So basically, you kept yourself busy. What I also would suggest you is that you actually hang out with friends. So gym, for example, and also work can be very lonely. And the best way how to go through a breakup, whether you want an ex back or not, is to talk about it. Process your emotions. Spend time with friends. So if you’re hitting the gym, try to find a gym buddy. It’s very important.
For example, one of the reasons why I’m super excited right now and why I’m really happy in the last few days is I am about to fly to Bali probably one or two weeks from now. Flights are probably happening in a week. The first thing that I’m going to do is a runner’s group in Bali. Join some groups there, make friends, meet people. So this helps a lot with loneliness, obviously. And after a breakup, who doesn’t feel lonely? I already feel lonely because I haven’t seen any friends in the Philippines for the longest time. Now I’m making a new home in Indonesia and I don’t want to be lonely. So I’m trying to find ways how I cannot be lonely and this is incredibly crucial after a breakup because if you don’t feel lonely, then you don’t think about your ex so much, and that makes it much easier for you because otherwise, you’re gonna think about her all the time.
So find something that keeps you busy and preferably, it’s something with social interactions, human connections, because we need that. You got that from your ex for the longest time. Now it’s gone. So find it elsewhere. Another thing that I’m doing once I’m landing in Bali is I’m meeting people for volunteering, most likely, so again something with people, because we all need people. We all need community. And community helps us heal. So you need to focus on that. So if you’re going to the gym, find a gym buddy… If you’re working, I don’t know what kind of work you’re doing, if you’re doing remote work, if you for example can work at a co-working space or a coffee shop, find a friend who can also work remotely, for example, and hang out at the coffee shop together. Something like that.
And I agree with everything that you just said, that the good things of your relationship far outweigh the worst things, or the fights, or the things that weren’t so well. And that is true in a relationship. The good things really matter and your relationship especially doesn’t sound like it was so bad. Okay, fights were there here and there, but you’re not giving me any signs or any vibes here that it was extremely toxic. So just two people who have to learn a few things about loving each other properly. So there’s definitely hope here.
3 Months Of No Contact Should I Give Up: I Haven’t Heard From My Ex But My Ex Views My Stories
I believe we just stopped paying attention to each other’s needs and that’s how it ended. It was a mistake but not one that couldn’t be fixed.
Exactly! So you just gotta wait for her to come back and then you fix it.
But it’s been three months now and I essentially started no contact from day one since the breakup but I have not heard from her ever since then. She checks out my IG stories regularly when I post but that’s it.
That’s actually a good sign. So if she still checks out your Instagram stories, she’s clearly curious, but maybe she hasn’t found the courage yet to reach out to you. So don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t think about this too much. Obviously, if she stops watching your stories, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything maybe. She just for a while wants to focus on other stuff. If she keeps on watching, it clearly means that she’s still interested in what you’re up to, and ultimately, you just gotta wait for her to reach out to you.
It doesn’t really give me hope that she misses me and I’m thinking that she has really moved on and has accepted what she told me back then, that we aren’t good for each other and that we don’t make each other happy the way we used to in the beginning.
Well, that is true, but that is true for pretty much every relationship. How many relationships are really there where you just know how to treat each other perfectly from day one? Most of the time you have to learn how to love your partner. So if she feels like we’re not happy anymore and we’re not good for each other and it’s not like how we loved each other in the beginning… Trust me, if she finds another guy and she dates that guy and then the infatuation slowly fades a little bit after six months or so, she’s gonna realize there’s actually also a lot of problems. Then she’s also going to compare how does that compare with you? And the truth is then when they have problems, she’s gonna have to do the same thing: Either they figure out how to solve it, or it’s not gonna work out again.
So she’s gonna realize probably in the future that the grass is not greener on the other side. This is cliche but it’s greener where you water it. So it doesn’t really matter that she thought that you didn’t make each other happy because she will eventually realize “I was a bit naive about this because that’s just not how relationships work,” and she’s a woman. She’s more in tune with these issues. She knows how it is. Of course, when she’s in the moment, when she’s disappointed, she can’t really look at this rationally. She’s looking at everything with her emotions. And women are also in general always very emotional.
So everything that she thought back then doesn’t matter. What matters is how she feels in a month from now, or in two weeks from now, or in three weeks from now. Maybe she meets some guy who totally disappoints her. She will all of a sudden have a light bulb pop, a light switch turns on and she has that epiphany, and then she reaches out to you. So don’t sweat it. It doesn’t really mean anything just because she hasn’t reached out to you and just because you can’t see any signs that she’s missing you.
Like I said: How would you know that? How could anybody tell you that she misses you? So what I mentioned earlier, this guy, that client of mine who I just mentioned who had an ex reach out to him from 10+ years… I don’t want to give the exact details, 10+ years, that woman clearly misses him because why would she reach out after 10 years. So when you hear from her or she has some kind of interaction with you, that’s a clear sign that she misses you. So until that time, stop overthinking, stop counting the days, and this is one of your issues that I wanted to mention. Basically, you did everything right so far with not begging, focusing on yourself. I gave you some advice how you could maybe focus on yourself a little bit better, but ultimately, you’ve done most of the things right, but the problem is you’re still waiting for her, or rather, you’re still waiting for that sign that she misses you. So actually, I’m just gonna wrap up what you say and then I’m gonna finish my advice here.
No Contact Feels Wrong: Is No Contact Working On Her? How Do I Know If My Ex Girlfriend Misses Me?
So my question is: How do I know if no contact actually works? More precisely, how do I know if she misses me or not? Because to me, no contact feels pointless like this. Muchas grazias if you make a video about this email.
So like I said, you can’t really know if she misses you, but you know how you will know if no contact is working? If you’re no longer thinking about this stuff. And if we go full circle back to the beginning of this video, once you feel really good about yourself, and you feel really positive again, and you’re just in really good mood, that’s when you know that no contact is working. Because it’s not just about your ex. It’s about you. It’s about finding happiness and it’s about feeling good about yourself again. And having a really good energy. A really good vibe. And just having such a great day that you can just dance and you’re just happy to go to work and whatever is going on in your life… You’re just so excited for it and you’re no longer waiting like “Does she miss me? What does this mean?“… Over-analyzing everything and trying to figure out exactly what’s going on here. And you’re turning getting your ex back into this gigantic project. It’s not a gigantic project. It’s really just about time for you and to focus on yourself and time for your ex to miss you.
And there’s no time that you can assign to that. Just like we can’t assign a time to when are you going to feel better. Or anybody else watching this: When is it when you’re going to find another woman? Or when is it that you’re going to move on? That you’re going to feel better and no longer feel heartbreak? What time is it? I don’t know! It depends on every person. It depends on you, and what actions you take. And how long does it take until she misses you? I don’t know. That could take a month, that could take three months, there are so many variables here. Like how is her life going. And how are the guys that she’s dating, if she’s dating. All kinds of factors that play into this. And this is why you gotta stop focusing on “Does she miss me? Does this work?“…
I told you earlier at the beginning, the psychology of the fading affect bias, it always works. This has been well studied. Every human is like this. Men and women have the fading affect. We have the fading effect bias and it happens to us, and so trust me, this works. Trust the process and stop overthinking about her. So whatever you’ve been busy with like the gym and work, I guess it doesn’t keep you busy enough, so try to find some ways how you can find more happiness. Actually, so as I said, maybe hanging out with some people is going to help you. Maybe hanging out with some guys is going to help you. Sometimes it really helps to not focus so much on women and just see that it’s really great to just hang out with some buddies. And we don’t need women so much. You know it’s kind of like a little bit like men going their own way, but obviously, I want you to get your ex back, and I want you to have a happy relationship, but maybe it helps you to hang out with some guys as well. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
