Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, I’m going to talk about bad breakups in tandem with rebound relationships. Particularly in this video, it’s about a guy who has an ex and she’s in a rebound relationship. And his problem is that the rebound is quite attractive. So what do you do about that? You probably fear that she’s going to find someone else or she already found someone else. And now it’s over! You know, she’s going to stay with this guy and she will never break up with this guy. And I’ve missed my chance to get her back. I screwed up and why would I even do no contact anymore? Does it still make sense? Maybe I should message her. Maybe I should keep in touch with her while she is rebounding. You’re probably asking yourself a lot of questions. So let’s get right into a situation and let’s see what is my advice.
No Contact After A Bad Breakup: The Psychology Of Rebound Relationships After a Bad Breakup
Hello, coach. I don’t know what to do anymore and I urgently need your advice about my ex-girlfriend. I had been in a relationship with her for almost two and a half years and now we broke up two months ago. And at first, I saw some signs that she missed me like posting a lot of subliminal messages. But now it turns out that she started dating someone new. So she’s rebounding with another dude and I’m really worried about this right now.
They also always do that. Rebounds always happen. There are studies. It was 93% of all women have rebound relationships after or within the first year. Very common after one or two months. If you’re a little bit more narcissistic, maybe even sooner. That obviously sucks. But in your case, it was two months. But you also should recognize that you had two and a half years of relationship. Right? So it’s not that easy to just move on to another person. If you truly love that person and you have a strong connection, then you shouldn’t be so worried about another guy who she doesn’t know, especially if he’s brand new. I know this stuff. I see this stuff all the time. And right now, for example, I’m in Indonesia and there’s this girl. She is incredibly gorgeous and she had a breakup, and she has roughly five hundred thousand followers or something like that on TikTok, and on Instagram. She’s absolutely stunning. And she had a breakup maybe a few months ago.
And then she made all these posts like what you just said. Subliminal posts, or very direct posts about him. I knew exactly what’s going on. She’s totally in pain, but she’s pretending that she’s doing fine. And then she goes quiet after a while. And I know exactly what happens next. The rebound. So a month ago, that girl posted the rebound. Some dude that she’s known for a long time, basically. He is her childhood friend or something like this. And when I read that post and the announcement that she’s dating someone new. Well, first of all, she’s basically trying to flex that she’s happy. But I also looked at that post and I felt so sorry for that guy who probably has been waiting to date her his entire life, because she said that she’s known this guy forever. And now he’s dating her and he doesn’t know that most likely he is the guy who is going to be discarded. He’s the rebound. He’s basically being used, in a sense, to get over the last ex. And she basically probably doesn’t care about this guy at all. That’s how it goes. And she’s going to dump this guy very soon. Yes, sometimes maybe rebounds can work out, but most of the time they don’t work out. The studies are pretty clear on that. Well, there’s not actually many studies on that, but there’s one study that was unrelated to rebounds and I saw some statistics on it and it was pretty obvious that basically rebounds don’t work out.
Especially in a case like yours, two and a half years of a relationship, you have much more attachment. I get it. You’re worried about this guy and we’re going to get into this why you’re worried about him. So let’s see what is my advice about this. She clearly posted subliminal messages, so she cares about you. And she’s basically trying to play it cool, play it strong. “I don’t need you!” Maybe you know that new song by Miley Cyrus. What’s the name of the song? I actually don’t know the name of the song, but it’s basically the opposite version of Bruno Mars’ “When I Was Your Man“, right? When I was your man goes like, “I should have bought you flowers and held your hand, when I was your man,” and so on and so forth. Right. And then Miley Cyrus, the song, she does the exact opposite. “I can buy my own flowers. I’m an independent woman. I don’t need you. I’m so strong.” We see it all over on social media right now. It’s kind of annoying. And women always do this after a breakup. I can buy my own flowers, but in reality, I’m fucking miserable. That’s just how it goes. So anyways, let’s continue.
Ex Fell In Love With Rebound: When Your Ex-Girlfriend’s Rebound Is More Attractive Than You
The main reason why I’m so worried about it is that while I logically feel like rebounds rarely last, the new guy she is dating is more attractive than me. And it hurts to say, not just a tiny bit. I am fairly average, built slightly athletic, but I’m a skinny build with some fat. But I saw the IG of the guy she’s dating now. He is really in good shape. He definitely goes to the gym regularly. And even if I were to start working out more now, I bet it would take me six to twelve months to get even close to his build.
So what?! It doesn’t matter? You got to start at one point. First of all, don’t go to the gym to just look as hot as this guy does. Go to the gym to just look hot. And you’re going to be so happy about it when you go right now, and whether you get her back in six months from now… Six months from now, you’re going to look freaking hot! And like, look at me. I’m very skinny right now, but I started hitting the gym a month ago. I go every two days. Actually, right after this video, I have what you call it, a personal coach, my first session with a personal coach to help me really bulk up. I want to look a bit more stronger with the muscles, with the shoulders and everything, and bulk up, in general. And there’s never a time, there’s never a reason why you shouldn’t go to gym, or start something new after a breakup. I don’t care if she stays with this guy and you will never get her back. Imagine if that happens and you don’t work on yourself right now?! You clearly recognize that this guy is attractive. His IG looks like he’s got his shit together. He’s super hot! Wouldn’t you want to be that guy?! What if maybe, for example, in six months from now or 12 months from now, she breaks up with the guy or maybe sooner.
But now all the power is back in your hands. Now the attachment is there, she clearly cares about you because you’ve been together for two and a half years and you’re freaking attractive. You’ve built yourself up. You’ve worked on yourself and now it’s you who has the choice. It’s no longer you who wants her back or has to work hard for it. It’s her who has to do the work and then you have to decide, do I actually want to be back with her? So, first of all, whether he’s attractive or not, or more attractive than you, he probably is, but it doesn’t matter so much. Does it matter right now or in the initial attraction phase? Yes, but in a relationship, once you’re in the relationship and there’s attachment, it doesn’t matter so much. It actually, well, actually there’s an interesting study that I saw recently in terms of cheating. For men, it matters a lot more that the woman that we’re with is attractive and we sometimes cheat because we see another woman who is more attractive than the partner that we’re with. Or we think our partner is not attractive and we see another woman and she’s attractive and then we cheat basically. Women have different reasons for cheating. Rarely do they cheat for the reason that they find another partner attractive. It’s typically just for emotional connection because they don’t feel close to their partner.
What Her Rebound Doesn’t Have: History — Your Ex Girlfriend Can’t Just Forget You Overnight
And so I know that you’re worried because he’s very attractive and all that stuff and it seems like he’s the big catch or whatever you want to call it. But it doesn’t really matter in terms of the connection that you have compared to him. I know he can build that connection up, but statistically speaking, that’s probably not going to happen. She’s probably going to dump this guy. At some point, of course, she would date someone new, maybe let’s say in a year from now, or in one and a half years from now, or two years from now. And it could work out with that guy. And then I would be more worried. But by that time, you shouldn’t really care about it at all anyway. So, look, you shouldn’t be too worried about him being more attractive than you. You can’t do anything about that. The only thing you can do right now is start hitting the gym. I don’t care if it takes you time to bulk up and look as attractive as him. If you think that he has something that you wish that you would like to be, then become that guy. Look, get inspired by other guys. Why not?
As I said, I just started hitting the gym a month ago. And of course, what happens when you hit the gym? First thing that you do is when you do your reps and you’re waiting for the next rep, you’re like, OK, open your phone. And you’re like “How long does it take to build up muscles?” And then it said something like the first results are in I think one month. Maybe it was two months. I forgot. But basically, I basically already could expect that you can’t expect much results right now. I’m already starting to see a little bit of results of getting more lean. But imagine if I would have not started a month ago, then I would be in the same place that I’ve been a month ago from now, a month ago. Right. So, dude, get started right now, whether that’s with gym or something else, get started now. All right. And again, like I said, don’t do it for her because you want her back. Because you think that “If only I’m as attractive as this guy, then I’m going to get her back.” No, she should come back because she freaking loves you and she wants to make it work again because maybe she got some perspective and saw that this attractive guy is not that great. It’s nice that he has a hot body or whatever. But you obviously had a great relationship because you were together for 2 1/2 years. So there was something worth keeping there.
Otherwise, you would have never stayed together that long. There are much worse couples that stay only together for six months. And even within those six months where there should have been the honeymoon phase, they’re fighting like crazy. They just don’t get along. So, look, dude, you have something worth keeping here and she hopefully will see that. And if she doesn’t see that, then that’s not just because you didn’t look as hot as this other guy. And if that would be the case, that would be messed up! And then you shouldn’t get back with her because you deserve a woman who actually appreciates you. Not just for your looks. Yes, looks are important and status are important. Money, what you can provide to woman is important. But ultimately, relationships are about commitment to each other. And that’s something that needs to be built up in a relationship. And you built that up for a long time. And if she can’t appreciate that, then screw her. Hit the gym, start to look hot and then you find another woman. OK, so anyway, let’s continue.
When Your Ex Hates You: Rebounds As A Coping Mechanism After You Broke Her Heart
On top of that, what’s even worse is that our breakup was very, very messy. Like I said, we have been a couple for two and a half years, actually almost two and three quarters. But the last months of the relationship were quite hateful. We grew apart over time and would always fight about the same things like her spending too much time with her friends and me not being able to open up emotionally. She would always accuse me of not being able to express my feelings and that I would shut down whenever she would try to have a serious conversation with me. I sometimes ridiculed the things that she wanted to talk to me about. I was stupid back then, but like I said, it got pretty emotional and hateful around the end. I was an idiot.
But if you recognize that you were an idiot, then again, it’s time to work on yourself. If you know what went wrong, then read a book. Why were you emotionally unavailable? Right. I think you said you made fun of the conversation that you had or you didn’t take it serious. So why would you not take it serious? I used to be like this once in the past with probably in quotes, my worst girlfriend, where there was a lot of fighting. And I had a similar behavior like that where I didn’t take her too serious, sometimes, at least. And now that I have some perspective, obviously, I’ve been reading a lot of books. I read a lot of research. I wrote a book myself. I coach clients. I always do these responses and I always get perspective from other people. I’ve seen everything, basically. I know much better. And you can improve this. So think about what is the reason. Why did you do this? Pick up a book, or book a coaching session with me, and then you have two things to work on. Isn’t that awesome? Now you can get, or now you can become two times more awesome! You will get fit and you will learn something.
And again, whether she comes back or not, now you’ll be a much better boyfriend. So first of all, it will be then easier for you to attract another woman if it doesn’t work, or re-attract her. Then when you’re in a relationship with that woman, I guarantee you it’s going to happen again. If you are in a relationship again, two and a half years or maybe longer, maybe sooner, maybe a little bit sooner, maybe after a year, you’re again going to have something like this where you’re emotionally unavailable. You have some fights or something like that, communication problems. But then if you worked on it. Now, that’s also not happening. So now it’s easier for you to attract a woman and easier to maintain a relationship. So what are you waiting for? Go to the gym and pick up a book. Hey, dude, actually, what I like to do is, I like to listen to audiobooks. So sometimes when I go to the gym, I listen to an audiobook. I get to pump. And at the same time, I get to learn. Isn’t that awesome? So come on, dude, why don’t you try that? And maybe if you’re not an audiobook person, then OK, whatever. Hit the gym and then read a book on the weekends.
But look, dude, there’s no point in sitting still and doing nothing. OK, I’m not saying you’re sitting still. You’re not mentioning this specifically. This is advice for anybody. Whatever stage you are in a breakup, whether after a breakup or shortly before a breakup. Always work on yourself no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome will be with your ex in the future. And this is why I mentioned this in my program so much. Sometimes it’s all about you. We’re doing this for you to work on yourself, to build yourself up, to improve yourself, to fix what didn’t work in the past with your choices about relationships and your own behaviors. And just to become a more rounded, well-rounded man. And then whatever happens in the future, you will benefit from that, whether it’s with your ex or another woman. OK, so anyways, let’s continue.
Always Fighting With Girlfriend: If You Don’t Cherish Your Ex You’ll Lead Her Into The Arms Of Another Man
We would argue more and more often until it became a daily thing. I became emotionally unavailable and I didn’t make enough effort to understand her and her needs. Our relationship was filled with misunderstandings and lack of communication, which eventually led to a bad breakup. The bad breakup happened one night after a particularly bad argument. We have been practically fighting all day and it just kept escalating until it reached its boiling point. I remember her yelling at me ‘I can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep dealing with this. I can’t keep dealing with you. This is pointless. I hate being with you.’…
Ouch!
I was hurt and angry. I felt like she didn’t understand me and I snapped back with ‘If you hate me so much, maybe it’s just better if we break up then.’ After that, she looked at me with tears and said that she thinks I am right. And she said that she is staying with her mom. And that was it. She walked out angry and crying while I tried to stop her from leaving. I tried talking to her because I recognized that I should have made more of an effort to work things out with her. Instead, I became very aggressive and leaned in on the fights.
Well, so actually, everybody never understands this about breakups, or even cheating sometimes. It’s not always a bad thing because it wakes you up to the shit that’s not working. So if you have a breakup and you recognize, “she hated me like crazy. I didn’t listen to her properly. And it came to this point where we always were fighting and it’s like she feels like she hates being with me.” And then you say it exactly. “If you hate me so much, maybe it’s just better if you break up?!” Precisely! Because now you’re recognizing what’s not working. Instead of staying in this treadmill of, I guess you could say hatred, which is going nowhere, you eventually break the treadmill. You get off the treadmill. You try to figure out what the hell is broken with this thing. Why am I just going in circles? Why is the same thing repeating? Then maybe you can jump on the treadmill again. Look, if you don’t get back together, I know it’s not the result that you want, obviously. But still, you know what to do differently in another relationship. If you get back on the treadmill, if she comes back again, you know what to change this time because I can guarantee you the number one thing: If you don’t know what didn’t work out and if you don’t address it or at least reflect on it a little bit, maybe you can’t fully address it all by yourself because you have to talk about this with your ex and you have to resolve it together as a couple. Obviously.
At least you made a start. And if you never even make a start, then it’s pointless to get back with an ex. Yes, maybe sometimes she comes back without you doing that hard work, without you doing everything right with no contact. Then good for you. But then she’s just going to be gone again after two months because it’s very similar to a rebound. I would argue there’s no studies on this, obviously, or at least I’ve never found a study on this. Well, I guess there are some studies that couples who get back together, I think it was 50% of couples that get back together actually break up again. So that tells you clearly that there are certain couples who, you know, they just want each other back because they love each other, but they’ve never done the work and then they hate each other again. It’s the same thing with rebounds. Those rebounds, they’re destined to failure because it’s all for the wrong reasons and there’s no proper foundation and then they break up. And same with you, if you don’t have a proper foundation to resolve the issues, then you’re going to break up again. So you recognize that all of this was basically messed up. So now you can fix it. I know it doesn’t sound sexy or like it’s a good thing, but it is definitely a good thing. So keep on reflecting what didn’t work out. Like I said, pick up the book, go to the gym and keep on thinking about that. Now anyway, let’s see what you say now after this.
Will Her Rebound Last Or Fail: When The Rebound Of Your Ex Girlfriend Is Much Better Than You
So now she’s dating this new really attractive guy. He clearly is doing better than me in life. He looks super attractive. His IG is filled with pics of him living an amazing life. Lots of travel photos. He’s apparently also an entrepreneur, so I can’t hold a candle to him at all.
That doesn’t say anything. I’ve lived in the Philippines for five years or five and a half, almost six, I guess. And the reason why I moved to the Philippines, actually, is that I won a startup competition in the Philippines. I actually won two startup competitions. So I know all the entrepreneurs there. I know all the people who are making moves. I know most of the investors there. I know the startup scene in the Philippines very well. And if there’s one thing that I can tell you about entrepreneurs, especially people who boast about it on social media, they are typically not successful. Now, who knows, maybe he is successful, but I’m just saying just because someone is an entrepreneur, you never know what’s going on behind the scenes. You could have a business and be fucking miserable. You could have a business and it’s not working out. You could pretend that it’s going great, but what the hell does it actually mean? It doesn’t mean Jack shit. What matters is the money that’s coming in. And typically people who are happy, they don’t need to boast. I practically barely use social media at this point and I just don’t boast about anything.
Yes, sometimes I like to make some posts or some stories where I celebrate some achievements. We all do that, of course, but I’m not one of those people who just need to post about their achievements and how enlightened they are and how successful they are and all that stuff. Honestly, it kind of turns me off to be frank and I think most people who are successful with their businesses, they are the same because they’re busy with their business. So I’m just saying you think you can’t hold a candle to him. That’s a big problem because it’s your mindset that is your problem. So if she breaks up with this guy, which most likely will happen, you now have this frame of reference that this other guy is so much better and you are a piece of trash. You are, look at you, how useless you are. You can’t hold a candle to him or any other guy. Obviously, with a mindset like that, you can’t re-attract an ex because your ex can feel that. Maybe not necessarily while you’re in no contact unless you make some weird and needy post or reach out to her. And if you do no contact quite well, she couldn’t figure that out. If you then reconnect and she comes back, and then you have that mindset. She will feel it. She can tell and she will eventually dump you or not even want to get back with you because she can just feel that there’s something still off about you.
That will then be the re-affirmation to her that she made the right choice to break up. So you gotta change that mindset. You CAN hold a candle to him. This guy is not your enemy. This guy should be your inspiration. He is basically the guy who can help you to get to a similar level or at least what you perceive is the same similar level. Then when your ex comes back, you have the emotional attachment. Plus, maybe you work on your business, or maybe you open a business, or some side gig, or some side hustle, some passion of yours or hitting the gym, looking fitter. I don’t care what it is, it particularly doesn’t matter so much as long as it’s freaking amazing. If any random person would ask you, “Hey, what are you passionate about? What do you love doing? What brings a smile on your face?” And you can clearly say, “Oh, I do this and I’m really passionate about this.” That’s freaking cool.
For example, I recently met a girl, she has a startup here in Indonesia that helps people to feed families or feed Indonesian people in general for breakfast. And that’s pretty cool. That’s really amazing and I really respect her for that and I think it’s kind of beautiful. And so, if you can evoke that reaction out of any woman, including your ex, then that woman, including your ex, of course, will want you back or will want to be with you. So you can hold a candle to anyone as long as you keep working on yourself. Yes, you might not be there at this point in time, but it doesn’t matter. You gotta compare yourself with yourself, not some other dude.
Only Way For The Rebound To Fail: Wait For Her Rebound To Mess It Up All By Himself
I think this is it. There’s no way she will give our relationship another chance. There’s no way she will reconsider to get back together now that she is dating Chad 3.0. What do I do now? I tried talking to her at first, reached out to her a few times, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. I know I should do no contact, but I feel like she has moved on and she’s found someone better than me. FFS, For fucks sake, just writing this makes me cry. I can’t deal with the fact that it’s over and she’s so happy with a new guy already. Please give me your advice. I really need it. Thank you, coach.
As I said, it’s very unlikely that she’s that happy with the new guy. Does she feel happy or does she feel like this guy is giving her happiness and making her feel appreciated? Yes. But like I said, she’s gonna dump this guy. I guarantee you there’s a 90% chance she’s going to dump this guy. I don’t give a shit how hot he is unless this guy is really rich and really freaking hot and he’s so famous, but no sane person would ever not take that deal. That “deal“… People make stupid decisions. And the reason why I just thought about “deal” is… I’m not sure if I ever told that story, but like I said, I used to work in the startup industry in the Philippines and I was working for this startup many, many years ago. My boss wanted to promote me to chief product officer and give me equity. And that startup is now a series B startup, one of the most well-funded startups in Asia, 500 startups startup, you know, there is big money involved and I turned it down. Why? Because I was heartbroken and I needed space for myself to just figure out my life. We make freaking dumb decisions when we are heartbroken and I guarantee you, your ex is going to break up with this guy again and even if she wouldn’t do it, it shouldn’t matter to you.
You should work on yourself independently of that. And like I say, you’re crying right now while you’re writing this, or maybe you didn’t cry exactly, but almost maybe shedding a tear. So clearly you’re still in pain. So you got to get through that pain. And the best way actually is exactly like that guy that is so attractive, hitting the gym and then doing some journaling, maybe some, what’s it called again? I forgot the name, but basically just the journaling, randomly journaling in the morning. I forgot the name right now. I can’t recall it right now. I talk about a lot of these things in my course. A stream of consciousness journaling. That’s what it’s called. You basically just write down whatever you feel, essentially randomly when you get up in the morning. There are a lot of ways how you can get over this pain and I think that’s one of the most important things that you need to do during no contact. Independent, actually, anyone who’s watching this, independent of this situation, you need to overcome that moment or that time where you sometimes are alone at home and you’re reminiscing and you’re thinking about all the shit that went wrong and you’re thinking about the fact she’s found something better than me and she’s never gonna come back because she is clearly with Chad 5.0. That’s the problem.
That’s why you are not successful with getting her back or in general with your life because you’re stuck in that, that almost desire of wanting to reminisce. I talk about this in my course that your ex is basically like a drug to you and even the negative interactions or the negative reminiscence, such as crying and thinking about her and wanting her back, even that in a sense feels good to you because it gives you, in quotes, a “dopamine” hit. It’s what you need. You need that. You’re addicted to her. So even just thinking about her randomly, it’s something that your body, your brain literally wants. So you need to quite literally distract yourself of something else so that no contact become easier. And preferably, of course, what you do during no contact is, you don’t just distract yourself with something stupid like playing Mobile Legends or some online mobile game, whatever. They call it Mobile Legends in Indonesia, or in Southeast Asia, or something like Call Of Duty, or something on your phone.
No, you do something that distracts you and at the same time, if you spend your time on that distraction for the next six months, whatever happens with your ex, six months from now you are better than you were right now. That’s what I want for you. So that’s what you should be doing. You should not message your ex. Don’t do anything. Look, you can’t change what’s going on with this guy right now at all. You can’t change that h is attractive. What you can change is yourself. So work on yourself and I would suggest go hit the gym. I know it feels maybe even defeating because this guy is so attractive. As I said, it takes a month even just to see the very first results. I’m seeing some results now, but basically just getting some base definition back to my body because I used to be very, very lazy with gym in the last few months. I’ve been working way too much and I’m seeing something, but it’s really just scratching the surface essentially. It’s going to take some time, but some progress is better than no progress. So that’s what I want for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.
