Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about no contact, breakups, and forgiveness. So in this video I have a message from a guy who fittingly is religious and his girlfriend is also religious. And of course, in religion, forgiveness is a big topic. Let’s go into the situation of the guy who screwed up a little bit and he got a little bit insecure and he wants to know is his ex going to forgive him. So let’s see.
Messed Up With Girlfriend: Your Ex Girlfriend Hates You And She Won’t Forgive You?
Hi Andy, I need your advice on my breakup situation that is very precarious because the end of the relationship was my fault. And I think my ex has had enough of me and it doesn’t look like she wants to forgive me even in the slightest.
Well, that is a big misconception that a lot of guys have after a breakup, when your ex is basically really angry with you, she seems like she wants nothing to do with you, she just wants to get out of the situation. It seems like she’s never going to forgive. She’s never going to forget. But the reality is: Exes forget quite quickly actually after a break up, all the fuckups that you’ve done, and I actually talk about the psychology and why this happens heavily in my breakup course. I also released a video a few weeks back about the Fading Affect Bias, for example, that talks about it, and there are many reasons why we forgive and forget the negative things that happened in our relationship. By the way, if I sound a little bit sick, my voice is still kind of off. I was planning to already be back last week but I had the worst cold ever, so sorry about that. So you shouldn’t be so worried about your ex not forgiving you. Yes, sometimes if you screwed up like crazy, if you cheated, it’s not as easy. If you’ve done something really terrible that can’t easily be undone, obviously, it’s a bit harder to forgive, and some people never have it in their hearts to forgive. So let’s see what happens.
Lack Of Trust In A Relationship: How To Get Your Ex Back If You Were Needy And Insecure
So what happened was very dumb, to be honest. I was very insecure and complained a lot to her about small stuff, mostly about not spending enough time together. It’s clear to me what happened. The straw that broke the camel’s back was that I wasn’t comfortable with her going to Bible study, because there was a guy that I think had a crush on her.
Damn! You’d think what the hell, bro? How can you be insecure about going to Bible study?! But to be fair, I’m gonna give you a little bit of credit, even if you go to a Bible study, or to church, or something like that, to a religious place, people can be religious and they can still cheat. People can be religious and they can still be seduced or tempted to do something. That’s human nature. And you should know that we are all created in the image of God. That means you can also screw up, of course, because you can make mistakes, and then of course that needs to be forgiven. So you got insecure. The problem, of course, is you said that… let me just scroll up… You said that you were uncomfortable with her doing stuff on her own, or rather, you wanted to spend more time with her.
Obviously, it’s very important to spend a lot of time with your girlfriend, and especially if you’re both religious, it’s great that you’re spending time together at church, or a Bible study, or something related to that in your community, but of course, you also need to be able to spend time all by yourself. And what if you get sick for example and you can’t go to church or Bible study, right? She’s gonna go alone. Obviously, you gotta be okay with that you also got to be alone without her. Well, sometimes, maybe she has to sing in the choir, or maybe she has to go to a Bible study alone, maybe she has to do certain duties around church, maybe she plays the piano, or something like that. Actually, you don’t call it piano, but you get the idea. What I’m saying, right, and so you gotta be prepared for the times when your girlfriend is not with you. Obviously, you want to always bond with your girlfriend, but if you freak out because she is not with you occasionally. That’s how life works, man! You’re not gonna be with your girlfriend all the time. And if that freaks you out, you probably have an anxious attachment style. That’s also why you’re writing this message.
You want your ex back because you have an anxious attachment style. So you need to work on that. You need to become a little bit secure. I’m not saying you need to overcome your anxious attachment style, that’s impossible, but you can work on becoming a little bit more secure in your relationships and being okay with being alone and with the fact that your ex-girlfriend, I mean your girlfriend, hopefully, your girlfriend in the future, she’s not with you, but she loves you, you love her, and whatever the two of you are doing, you’re thinking of each other and you can’t wait to spend time together when she comes back home, once you come back home. Whatever’s separating you right now. That distance. Once that distance gets closed you’re so happy to see each other again and that’s all that matters. And if you’re secure, you don’t care about this kind of stuff. You’re just happy to see her again. And yes, there are, of course, certain instances where things get pushed too far and then you gotta speak up, but clearly, you acknowledge it yourself: You were too insecure. So you know yourself already. So let’s continue and let’s see what you say.
Marking Your Territory: Setting Boundaries When A Guy Hits On Your Girlfriend In Front Of You
We are both fairly devout Catholics and go to church and Bible study regularly. Bible study is not as regular, but we go to church every Sunday. We’re very active in our church community, but for the Bible study, we don’t always go. And sometimes she goes and I don’t, or vice versa. So I saw this guy Mark, at our study group before, when I went together with my ex, Lisa. Back then, I was talking to a friend and then I saw after a while that Mark was talking to Lisa and I just could feel that he was basically trying to get to know her because he clearly liked her. So I intercepted and introduced myself to him to mark my territory and make it clear that she was my girlfriend.
Good! Yeah, so you made it clear, look, you basically cockblocked. Good job! That’s perfect and that should have been it. If you can trust your girlfriend and if your girlfriend is trustworthy, that should be it now. If you overreacted and there was no fault on her side and she just wants to go to Bible study, she wants to devote her time to God, then you should be secure enough to be like, yeah devote your time to God, and okay, this guy maybe likes you… Babe, I noticed that he likes you. Please, make it clear to him that you don’t want anything from him. I could tell that he’s kind of into you. So he might not get the hint. He might get too excited when he talks to you. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t be talking to this guy, but just make it clear that there’s nothing between the two of you. Make sure that there’s a distance between you.
“I love you, I’m your boyfriend, and you should know that so I’m not telling you to not talk to this guy, but you know what to do,” basically, and if it’s a good girlfriend, if you’re dating a great girlfriend who would never think about cheating, and I think she probably would never think about that because I mean you go to Bible study together, right? And you go to church every Sunday. So she does not sound like the woman who would cheat. Obviously, I said earlier that yes, you can go to church and you can be a piece of shit, that is, of course, possible. But if you go to church, especially if you are very devoted to your practice, well, then most likely what it means is that you care about morals, typically.
For example, in the USA, I watch a lot of channels that are a bit more conservative and I can clearly tell that the hosts of those shows on YouTube are religious. And they care about morals. I’m not very religious but that’s clearly something that I can see in people who are religious. So if you’re dating a very religious woman, most likely she is not a cheater. So you should have trusted her a little bit more, maybe. Expressed more what you needed from her to set some boundaries. Maybe that didn’t happen. Again, you’re probably anxiously attached and so you didn’t say exactly what you wanted and that caused obviously the problems. So let’s continue what you say. Sorry about that. I didn’t realize that my tripod was slowly declining. So it wasn’t tight enough. I hope you got a good video so far.
Feeling Threatened: Letting Your Insecurities Ruin Your Relationship With Your Girlfriend
Nothing really came of it anymore for a long time. I think he got the hint back then and there were no problems for a while. Then many months later I became very insecure about the relationship. My company was laying me off and I had to look for a new job. It’s not like I was financially in trouble, I had a lot of savings, so it shouldn’t have bothered me that much but I guess I overreacted and projected my stress onto my ex and more importantly, I began feeling threatened when she’d go to Bible study without me.
So yes, it was basically all in your head. I can guarantee you if you hadn’t been laid off, if you hadn’t been feeling insecure because of that, even if you had a lot of savings, you probably would have not been insecure about this guy. Maybe you had some insecurities about him, but you wouldn’t have freaked out right? So you basically were not in control. That’s something that you need to learn. You are religious, obviously, you’re very religious. So if you’re not in control, I think whether you are religious, or whether you meditate, whether you journal, whether you reflect on it in silence and take a day to think about it, basically whatever is bothering you, it’s important to not act on your impulses and seek some vessel how you can think these things through. So for you, obviously, it’s most likely your religion & your prayer where you can think these things through. And then after that you will probably gain some clarity and you probably didn’t do that properly. And so that’s why then you freaked out. You basically acted on impulse, and well…
When You Didn’t Trust Her: How To Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back After Trust Issues
She was very upset about that and she got a little bit angry at me that I wasn’t comfortable with her going there because of Mark. She said I was being ridiculous and that he was just a friend from Bible study whom she had no feelings for and I think in retrospect that’s true.
Yeah, definitely true.
I overreacted for no reason whatsoever. I created a problem where there was no problem at all. Anyway, my insecurities basically continued for a while and eventually she broke up with me because she doesn’t feel like actually she can trust me, which is ironic, because it was me who didn’t trust her.
Yeah, well at that point then, she doesn’t trust you anymore because if you don’t trust a woman who is completely trustworthy, the truth is, the problem lies within you. You know that, of course, but anybody who’s watching right now, if you got trust issues with a person who is completely trustworthy, obviously the problem lies within you. You gotta fix yourself. You gotta sort yourself out. So if you cause problems with a breakup and your ex did nothing wrong, maybe she did some small things wrong here or there, but especially if she was not malicious, if she did not intend for it to happen… If she, for example, was unaware of the things that she did wrong, then dude, honestly, you should have just told her what it was and then it would have probably resolved itself if, for example, your ex-girlfriend was very immature, maybe you’re still very young or you don’t know yet how to properly communicate, or there’s certain boundaries that you don’t understand because you’ve never discovered them in the past past…
For example, cock blocking a guy while you’re in a relationship. Maybe she’s never had to deal with this in the past and so she didn’t know what to do or how to put the boundaries. How direct she needed to be. These kind of things. You know, maybe she did some things wrong, I’m not denying that, but she didn’t do it with malicious intent. If she didn’t basically go to Bible studies like “I’m so horny, I can’t wait to meet Mark! Can’t wait to talk to him!“… But she didn’t do that, basically, then of course, it was your fault and you gotta fix it. So keep that in mind. Everybody, always take full accountability. If you screw up with a woman, it’s your fault, and you gotta reconcile it first with yourself, so that you can then reconcile it with the woman. That’s just a fact. And if you don’t do that, you’re never gonna get her back.
And actually, I’m gonna do a shameless plug for my course, my program. One of the things that I did with this program was I have I think 13 worksheets in that program based on psychology that uses NLP and CBT to basically help you to rewire your brain and work on yourself. You gotta do actual work on yourself. You can’t just do no contact and hope that she’s going to be back. Yes, once you know all the psychology of no contact and give it some time, that’s gonna ease it, and in many cases that will be enough, but it’s not always enough. And it’s much better if you work on yourself, figure out: Wait, what’s the thing that is actually causing the problem? Address it. Reflect on it. Write it down on a piece of paper. And on top of that, in your case, pray to God. Seek some advice from God. And then you’re gonna get an epiphany, in a sense. You’re gonna learn from your mistakes and when she comes back, you will get her back. So something important to mention. Shameless plug. Let’s continue.
I Begged Her To Stay: Prove Her Wrong When Your Girlfriend Has Lost Faith In You
I didn’t understand what she meant at all back then and I begged her to not break up with me, that we could work on our issues, but she was very cold and told me that we didn’t have to work on our issues. She said it was me who had issues, not her, and she said that this was the main reason why she couldn’t trust me anymore. She said that maybe I had to seek out God to find some clarity, but that it would be best if I would no longer go to Bible study.
So basically, she’s saying very clearly: Look, you gotta fix yourself. This was fucked up… She didn’t say it like that but she basically thought “This was fucked up! I did nothing wrong! I would never cheat on you! I don’t even give a shit about this guy. Mark. I’m just going to fucking Bible study!” Maybe she’s not talking like that because she’s religious but you get the point. She’s like “Come on! Have some common sense! I don’t care about this guy! I love you! I dedicate my time to you! I dedicate my everything, my heart and soul, and this relationship is super important to me. How could you ever question this?!”
So she’s clearly saying look you gotta find some clarity. You gotta talk to God. You gotta work on yourself and whatever you do, do it, but do it without me. She’s saying don’t go to Bible study. So she’s setting some boundaries right now. She wants some space and that is scary and that’s probably why you’re wondering is she ever gonna forgive me? But just because she wants some space, it doesn’t mean that she won’t forgive you eventually. It’s clear that right now she needs a bit of a break from you and she needs to think a little bit. She needs to reflect how does she feel? Can she forgive you about this stuff? How big of a deal is this really? And so you should give her the time to think about this! So let’s continue what you say.
When You Hurt Your Ex Girlfriend So Bad: Will Your Ex Forgive You For Hurting Her?
I tried so hard to stop her from breaking up with me but she wouldn’t listen and now we have been broken up for nearly two months. I have not gone to Bible study ever since then and I even avoided church for a few weekends and began going to another church temporarily because I cannot cope with the thought of running into her. I don’t know what I can or should do right now because I don’t think she is willing to forgive me. I really was The Sinner here. I accused her of being unfaithful with some guy whom she did not care about. It’s my fault and now she seems to have moved on from the relationship because she had enough of my insecurity. Will she ever forgive me for my sins? Or is there no hope for us to get back together and work this out? You know, this is a tough situation because I have made big mistakes, but I hope you have a suggestion for me. Thank you so much for your help. God bless.
Well, thank you for the blessing. And you know this is the perfect segway here. God bless you. You’re both religious. She is religious and I think forgiveness is a big part of religion. Whether you are, I’m assuming that it doesn’t matter whether it’s Christianity, or also in Islam, or in Buddhism, and Hinduism, I assume that most religions are very strong on forgiveness. And people who are very religious tend to be more inclined to forgive you, forgive a person. So is she going to forgive you? Most likely she will find it in her heart. Look, you weren’t an awful person. You weren’t an awful piece of shit! Yes, you didn’t trust her too much and you smothered her. It felt like it was all a little bit too much for her, but is she going to now say look I never want to have anything to do with this guy because look at all these other great guys out there?! Sure, that could be the case, but you didn’t cheat on her, you didn’t have any substance abuse, or something like that. You were flawed but we’re all flawed. She’s most likely going to forgive you for this eventually.
Now, you shouldn’t pressure her to forgive you, of course. She needs her own time and it’s also like she said: You need to get some clarity yourself. I think you’ve already have some clarity. You know what you did wrong, obviously, but why is that? What actually triggered it? Yes, it was the money a little bit, right? But why were you insecure about this guy in the first place? Because he was hitting on her? Yes, okay. The hitting. Being hit on by a guy for a woman happens all the time. So that’s something that you gotta live with. At some point in your life when you’re not with her, she’s gonna be hit on by some guy and he will try as hard as possible to get into her pants. But I think you are probably with a really good woman, or you were with a really good woman. And you should be able to trust her. So I think that you maybe still needed some clarity on your trust towards her. Also did you trust yourself, right? So it was mostly about you being insecure. About how you felt when she was with that guy. Or when she was at Bible study. But if you would feel really insecure and you would fully trust her, and you would believe that she’s committed to you, and probably you most likely want to get married in the future…
So if you trust your woman that she is definitely going to marry you once you ask her, once you put that ring on it, once you ask her “Hey, do you want to get married?” you know that she’s going to say yes. If you would fully trust her you would not freak out about something like this at all. Now that was your insecurity, not her insecurity. That was not her insecurity, that was your insecurity, not her misconduct. So you gotta work on that and I gotta fix my tripod because I think my tripod is still going down. So that’s basically all I can give you right now. You should listen to her advice. I think you should pray some more. It’s most likely going to help and if you haven’t done it yet, look at what exactly made you insecure about this. Did you have some doubts about does she want to stay with you for the rest of your life? Do you have some doubts about her wanting to get married to you? What are the things that really bothered you deep down? Write it down.
Maybe you’ve heard of this: Do the five Why’s. Ask: Why did I freak out? Why did I become insecure? Because there was this guy Mark. And okay, so why did that make you in secure? Because I lost my job. Okay, so why did that make me insecure? Well, because when I don’t have a job, I feel like I’m not offering anything and perhaps you think that you should be a provider and you should be a good husband. Maybe that’s what’s bothering you. And I gotta fix the tripod. I gotta go lower LOL. So do some five Why’s. Think about this. Drill deeper down. And see why did this happen? And that’s the best advice I think I’m gonna give you for now. So let me know what you think in the comments below. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, never forget to unleash the king within.
And of course, with my course finally being out, and because I worked on it for crazy long, it is a well done course. Check out the course and if it helps you, if you think it speaks to you, if you think the landing page tells you everything that you need to know, buy it right now. If you buy it, the first 500 people who go to the website with the promo code that’s in the link on everywhere on my channel, you will get it… I forgot how much the discount was but it’s huge, basically. So people who get my course from a YouTube channel get the biggest discount that I am ever going to give out. I think it’s very high like 75. It’s huge, basically! You save almost all the money that the course is going to cost without the promo code. So if it helps you then grab the course, check it out, go to the website. I’ll see you in the next video great to be back great to produce new content. See you soon!
